一次無可奈何的親子衝突 A Helpless Parent-Child Conflict

擔心鴿子會抗拒戳鼻子，所以買了唾液快篩試劑來用，沒想到連吐口水鴿子也不願意。第一天勉強蒐集到足量的唾液做快篩，第二天鴿子就不肯就範了，追了他半天，管子還是空的。
正苦惱之際，家裡的網路突然斷訊，鴿子的平板就沒得玩了。我藉機跟他交換條件：先吐口水，再修平板（其實只是分享器重開機），心想這樣事就成了。
鴿子內心陷入交戰，繼續頑抗；我不為所動，甚至使出情緒勒索這招：「鴿子不聽話，daddy 難過…」他試圖解讀我的表情，心裡的壓力越來越大，最後眼眶含淚，大聲說：「Tissue（衛生紙）！」
這樣的情緒反應是我頭一次見到。為了快篩成功，我給他衛生紙拭淚，但仍堅持立場，一定要蒐集到口水。鴿子不甘願的朝試管口吐了一口，量不夠，我要他繼續。鴿子不願意，又喊了「Tissue！」，我再給他衛生紙，持續索討口水。就這樣用掉七八張衛生紙後，鴿子勉強再吐一口，我重開網路，才結束這場爭執。
然而爭執的餘波未息。我自己後來也真的動了氣，不過一點時間後就平復了；鴿子不一樣，平板一時之間竟然無法讓他轉換情緒，因為他的眼眶仍然紅紅的。我趕忙親近示好，他也只是應付應付的肢體回應；我跟他道歉，並給他一個笑臉，說：「Daddy 沒有生氣，daddy happy」，他才慢慢放鬆表情，享受在yourube kids 的影片裡。
睡前，我按過去的SOP跟鴿子要平板，準備睡覺，他交給我，卻顯得焦躁，不斷用右手指著左手。我知道他還想看平板，卻必須狠心拒絕。我關了燈，不斷安撫他，他焦躁的情緒緩解有限，還複製了下午的情節：「Tissue！」我心懷愧疚，耐心的安撫他，直到他終於睡去。
我在床上獨思良久：我完成了孩子的快篩，卻賠上孩子的快樂，這樣值得嗎？睡前收平板，鴿子向來是順服的，但平時沒問題的行為因為喚醒了下午的壓力記憶（被迫做不想做的事），到睡前仍在跟內心的情緒作戰。我既愧疚又不捨，鴿子是自閉兒啊！他必須花更多的時間與心力才能走出情緒困境，而我，最愛他的我，卻是讓他一夜無法放鬆的肇事者。我不是腦筋靈活的人，如果我能靈活些、變通些，也許可以降低下午鴿子的壓力值。
然而為了鴿子好，我一定得這樣做，可是鴿子不懂，以至於困在壓力情緒之中。我看著他陷入情緒的糾葛，心中哀痛，突然想起了神：神看著我們陷入罪的糾葛之中，心中的哀痛應該也是這樣吧！一時間，我對「唯有基督在我們還做罪人的時候為我們死，神的愛就在此向我們顯明了」（羅5：8）的經文，有了深切的體會。

Worried that Jabez would resist spitting for the saliva rapid test, I bought a test kit to try. But surprisingly, he didn’t even want to spit. On the first day, I barely managed to collect enough saliva to run the test, but on the second day, Jabez refused completely. I chased him for a long time, yet the tube remained empty.

Just as I was frustrated, the home internet suddenly went down, and Jabez’s tablet stopped working. I seized the opportunity to make a deal: “Spit first, then we’ll fix the tablet” (in fact, it was just restarting the router). I thought the problem would be solved this way.

Jabez struggled internally and continued to resist. I stood my ground and even used a little emotional leverage: “Jabez, if you don’t listen, Daddy will be sad…” He tried to read my expression, feeling more and more pressure, until finally his eyes welled up with tears and he shouted, “Tissue!”

This was the first time I had seen such an emotional reaction. To complete the test, I handed him tissue to wipe his tears, but I still insisted on collecting his saliva. Reluctantly, he spat a little into the tube—but it wasn’t enough, so I asked him to continue. He refused and again shouted, “Tissue!” I gave him more tissue while still requesting saliva. After using seven or eight tissues, Jabez finally spat a little more, and I restarted the internet—ending the confrontation.

Yet the aftermath lingered. I eventually calmed down after being a bit upset myself. Jabez, however, couldn’t immediately switch his emotions; his eyes remained red. I quickly tried to approach him with kindness, but he only responded with minimal physical gestures. I apologized and gave him a smiling face, saying, “Daddy isn’t angry; Daddy is happy.” Only then did he slowly relax and enjoy videos on YouTube Kids.

Before bedtime, following our usual routine, I asked Jabez to hand over the tablet. He did, but appeared agitated, repeatedly pointing with his right hand to his left. I knew he still wanted to watch, but I had to firmly say no. I turned off the lights and continued to soothe him. His agitation eased only slightly, and he even repeated the afternoon’s scene: “Tissue!” I felt guilty but patiently comforted him until he finally fell asleep.

Lying in bed afterward, I reflected deeply: I managed to complete the child’s saliva test, but at the cost of his happiness. Was it worth it? Normally, Jabez complies when handing over the tablet before bed, but because this evening reminded him of the afternoon’s stressful memory—being forced to do something he didn’t want to do—he was still wrestling with his emotions. I felt both guilty and heartbroken. Jabez is autistic; he needs more time and energy to work through emotional struggles, yet I—the one who loves him most—was the cause of his inability to relax that night.

I am not a particularly flexible thinker. If I had been more flexible or adaptable, perhaps I could have reduced Jabez’s stress that afternoon. Yet for his own good, I had to do it, though Jabez didn’t understand, leaving him trapped in emotional stress. Watching him struggle so painfully, my heart ached. Suddenly, I thought of God: seeing us entangled in sin, His heart must ache in the same way.

In that moment, I deeply felt the truth of Romans 5:8: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”