回答莊弟兄提問

○○弟兄：
我先把你的問題加上標點，比較好說明：

Q：要如何問妻：「為何現今世上女生要同時和多位認識？」

讓我先來分析一下你的問題：

「為何現今世上女生要同時和多位認識？」這個問句，是一個客觀問題，但你並不是真想知道「現今世上女生」為什麼會這樣；你真正想知道的，是「前妻」為什麼要這樣，不然你不會問「要如何問妻」這個問題。

基於以上的分析，其實你只是用「客觀問題」去包裝了「對前妻的質疑」，你這樣去「詢問」她，她會聽不出來你是在「質問、定罪」她嗎？

當你心中對她還有「定罪」之想時，你們的關係就不可能恢復，因為你預設了「前妻向你認錯＼認罪」為前提。你可能認為這很合理，但其實有兩個面向你沒有注意到：

1.認罪是一種「自我否定」的行為，如果沒有極強的動機，人內心的「自我保護機制」會讓人抗拒「向人認罪」，因為一旦認罪，彼此在關係中的位階就失衡了：你在上，而前妻在下。這會是你們關係重建的樣態，你認為她會同意、會願意嗎？

2.一個巴掌拍不響，你有沒有想過：你在婚姻中是否也犯了錯，致使前妻棄你而去？如果你自己也有些問題讓前妻忍無可忍，那麼單方面處理前妻「同時和多位認識」的問題，你們的關係就能恢復嗎？我覺得不能。

這就是為什麼我們需要神作我們夫妻關係的中保。從自己的角度看夫妻關係，很容易發現對方的錯誤，但看不見自己的錯誤，因為就算對方提出來，我們也會去抗辯、去合理化某些對方對自己的指責，因為我們同樣有這樣的「自我保護機制」。唯有面對權柄、位階高於我們的神，我們才能夠坦然、甘願的認罪——是夫妻各自向神「認自己的罪」，不是向神「指責對方的罪」。認罪悔改，從來都是「自己的事」，與他人無關。

只有發現自己的虧欠，才是修補彼此關係的起點，若執著於對方對不起自己，那麼這一點執著與放不下，將成為彼此關係中永遠的高牆。讓我為你禱告：

主耶穌，感謝你為我捨身，讓我看見無罪的為有罪的付上代價，原來是因為愛。是的主，神就是愛，因為愛，所以你對世人恆久忍耐又有恩慈，且永不止息。

主啊，○○弟兄目前處境艱難，夫妻離婚，又需要照顧兩位特兒，負擔非常的重。求主觸摸○○弟兄的心，讓他與你更靠近，讓他看見、也經歷你的慈愛，讓他受感、明白這是我們罪人不配得的恩典，因為你為我們所做的，是贖罪，不是怪罪。

主啊，求你憐憫世人的能力有限，求主給○○弟兄加添能力，讓他在承受前妻背棄的痛苦中，能學習你的樣式，依靠你去擔當痛苦，也憑藉你得著安慰，更相信你會在他們夫妻間的關係同時動工，讓他們夫妻倆都能在仰望主、懇求主的認罪悔改中，承認自己的不是，彼此饒恕，因為你教導我們：「免我們的債，如同我們免了人的債」。主啊，只有彼此饒恕，才能有傷無痛的重新恢復彼此的關係，而恢復後的關係，更美、更珍惜。

奉主耶穌基督的名禱告，阿們。

Brother ○○,

Let me first add punctuation to your question so it’s easier to address:

Q: How should I ask my wife, “Why do women nowadays want to get to know several men at the same time?”

Let me analyze your question:

“Why do women nowadays want to get to know several men at the same time?” — this sentence looks like an objective question. But you are not truly trying to understand why “women nowadays” behave this way.

What you really want to know is why your ex-wife did this. Otherwise, you would not have asked, “How should I ask my wife?”

Based on this, it seems you are using an “objective question” to wrap up a personal accusation toward your ex-wife. If you question her in this way, do you think she will not hear it as interrogation or condemnation?

As long as you still carry condemnation toward her, your relationship cannot be restored, because you have already assumed that “your ex-wife must first admit her fault or guilt to you.” You may think this is reasonable, but there are two things you may not have considered:

1. Confessing guilt is an act of self-denial.

Without a very strong motivation, a person’s inner “self-protection mechanism” naturally resists confessing guilt to another person. Once one confesses guilt, the relational hierarchy shifts:

you become the one above, and your ex-wife becomes the one beneath.

Would she agree to rebuild the relationship in this form? Do you think she would willingly accept that?

2. A slap cannot be made with one hand.

Have you considered whether you, too, made mistakes in the marriage that drove her to leave you?

If you also contributed to the breaking of the marriage, then addressing only her issue of “getting to know several men at the same time” will not restore the relationship. I believe it cannot.

This is why we need God to be the mediator in a marriage.

Seeing a relationship from our own perspective makes it easy to notice the other person’s faults but very hard to see our own—because even if the other person points them out, we tend to argue, justify, or defend ourselves. This is our “self-protection mechanism.”

Only when we face God—whose authority and position are above us—can we confess freely and willingly.

And it must be each spouse confessing their own sins before God, not accusing the other person’s sins before God.

Repentance has always been a personal matter, never a tool for blaming others.

Only when one sees one’s own shortcomings can a broken relationship begin to heal.

But if you hold tightly to “how the other person hurt me,” that attachment will become an unmovable wall between you.

Let me pray for you:

Lord Jesus, we thank You for giving Yourself for us, showing us that the sinless One paid the price for the sinful, all because of love. Yes, Lord—God is love. Because of love, You are patient and kind toward humanity, and Your love never fails.

Lord, Brother ○○ is in a difficult situation: a broken marriage, the responsibility of raising two special-needs children, and a heavy burden on his shoulders. We ask You to touch his heart, draw him closer to You, let him see and experience Your compassion, and let him feel deeply that this is grace we do not deserve. You came to atone for our sins, not to condemn us.

Lord, have mercy on our human limitations. Please strengthen Brother ○○, so that in the pain of being abandoned by his ex-wife, he may learn Your example, rely on You to bear the pain, and receive Your comfort. Work also in the relationship between him and his ex-wife—so that both may look to You, confess their own sins, repent, and acknowledge their faults. And may they forgive one another, for You taught us: “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”

Lord, only through mutual forgiveness can wounds be healed and the relationship restored—restored in a way that becomes more beautiful and more cherished than before.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ we pray, Amen.