我：
牧師，我有一個問題（也是困擾）想請教你。
聖經中稱義的義人，在稱義後也有犯罪的時候，例如亞伯拉罕與撒拉以兄妹相稱，差點害了亞比米勒犯了罪（事實上神已經因為撒拉的緣故，讓亞比米勒家中的婦人不能生育）。我的問題是，因自身軟弱而犯罪，縱使神會憐憫饒恕，難道當事人不會因為自己對不起神的罪疚感而不敢面對神嗎？
這個問題其實是我的困擾。我最近刻意犯了罪（屬世上雖不犯人，但卻是違背上帝的事），短暫快樂之後，接著是持續的罪疚感的折磨；而更令我痛苦的是，我是在相信神的狀況下犯罪，那種明知神鑒察人心，卻掩耳盜鈴地偷偷犯罪，其實我很清楚，我回到了過去的心理狀態：只要不被人所察知，就可自欺的以為心安。其實，我心不安。
因為罪行自我譴責，我活該，但我真正害怕的是，我因為自覺無臉見神，在犯罪後連向神認罪悔改都不敢。即使想起神對世人無條件的愛而試著厚顏禱告，也會在內心罪疚感的嗡嗡作響下禱告不下去，因為在神面前，我好似亞當以無花果葉蔽身般的無法接受自己。也就是說，我得眼睜睜地看著自己百般不願意卻得刻意地背棄神，因為光照越亮，就越見得自己的慚穢。
過去我們所聽過的見證，多是之前未信主，但後來悔改信了主；不然就是原本信主不堅而犯罪，後來悔改重新歸主，這些見證，都以悔改歸主為終點。今天我碰到的難題（發現的事實）是，其實受洗信主之後，還是得不斷的與罪性交戰，不斷地認罪，但我尚無法克服的關卡是，重蹈覆轍的罪惡感，令我覺得不配得到神的憐憫。
因此，我不禁好奇大衛的心理。在強奪了烏利亞的妻子拔示巴後，拿單傳達了神的不悅，雖然神赦免大衛的罪，卻要他以孩子的生命為代價。此時的大衛難道沒有和我類似的心理障礙嗎？他如何能專意地懇求神？
牧師：
這個問題先要確認的是，神揀選人的時候，人是在犯罪、拒絕神的狀態下，神的恩典臨到人，讓人無法抗拒神恩，而接受救恩。因此人並非因合格而得救，是恩典。因此從前、現在、未來，我們都不能因功德而得救。
第二，既然如此，神早知我們無法獨力面對罪惡，唯有「依靠神」才有得勝的可能。得勝罪惡的方法不是面對罪惡，而是面對神。
常見的是每個兒女犯罪時，良心與惡者都會要我們要不「努力自救」，要不「逃離神面」。因此不要因罪惡而躲避神，要來到他面前懇求憐憫。唯有自己勝不過罪惡，才知主恩偉大。
過去聖徒如馬丁路德就是要靠己力，苦待犯罪的自己，禁食、鞭打、苦行，均不得釋放，後來發現因信稱義，才脫離痛苦。
我：
「常見的是每個兒女犯罪時，良心與惡者都會要我們要不，努力自救，要不，逃離神面」是的！這種痛苦很折磨人，因為每每碰觸，都會看見自己的軟弱，於是愧對更深……很討厭！當我心理逃避之時，連聖經都不願意讀。
牧師：
你的情況是靈性成長過程，若是能靠己力勝罪，你就不會全然信靠主。
我也有你的經歷，痛苦、厭惡自己之至，但卻發現神依然厚恩待我。
一日我向神禱告說：「我如此罪孽悖逆，為何你還要厚恩待我？」神曰：「唯有愛能夠使我回轉，若是處罰我，依我的罪性狡詐，必然覺得已經受罰付清，互不相欠，可能繼續犯罪。」我恍然大悟，原來懲罰自己也是種自力救濟。神做事超過我的邏輯，是不可理喻的愛。
我：
是啊，好「不可理喻」啊！在這次的經歷中，我深切的知道自己是小信之人。
請牧師為我寫一篇禱告詞，讓我照著禱告，以勝過內心的抗拒。可以嗎？
牧師：
其實最好的禱告，就是真誠的禱告，帶著自己原來的本相，誠實的到神面前，沒有藉口、隱瞞，向神傾訴。至於犯罪的後果，我既已交託給神，讓神掌權吧！神有他最好的處置，我就不多想了。
大衛有大衛的問題，我們有我們的問題，神知道怎麼做對我們最好。相信神是愛我們的。
我：我懂了，我會努力尋求神的恩典，以勝過內心的幽暗。
牧師：
你這是很好的經歷，無此經歷，難以說服人「神是無條件的愛我們」。此外，保持和肢體互動，是很重要的，不要落單，免得撒但誘導你錯誤思想。加油啊！
我：
謝謝牧師。我覺得我可以、也應該要去面見神了
牧師：
記住，「得勝罪惡的方法不是面對罪惡，而是面對神」。
Me:
Pastor, I have a question (also a struggle) I’d like to ask you.
In the Bible, even the righteous who were justified still sinned after being justified. For example, Abraham and Sarah claimed to be siblings, which nearly caused Abimelech to sin (in fact, because of Sarah, God had already caused all the women in Abimelech’s household to be unable to conceive). My question is: even though God has mercy and forgives, if a person sins out of their own weakness, wouldn’t they still feel too guilty to face God?
This problem is actually my struggle. Recently, I intentionally committed a sin (not a crime in the worldly sense, but something against God). After the brief pleasure came the ongoing torment of guilt. What pains me even more is that I sinned while believing in God. Knowing full well that God searches the heart, yet deceiving myself like covering my ears while stealing a bell — deep down I knew clearly that I had returned to my old mindset: as long as no one knows, I can pretend my heart is at peace. But the truth is, I am not at peace.
Because of my sin, I condemn myself — I deserve it. But what truly frightens me is that I feel too ashamed to come before God, to the point where I don’t even dare to confess and repent. Even when I remember God’s unconditional love and try to pray boldly, the buzzing guilt won’t let me continue praying. Before God, I feel like Adam trying to cover himself with fig leaves — unable to accept who I am. In other words, I feel like I can only watch myself unwillingly turn away from God on purpose, because the brighter His light shines, the more I see my own filth.
Most testimonies we hear are from people who did not believe before but later repented and came to Christ; or believers who were weak, fell into sin, and later returned. These testimonies all end with repentance and returning to God. But the difficulty I have discovered is that even after baptism, we still have to battle sin continuously and confess continuously. Yet the barrier I still cannot overcome is this repeating guilt that makes me feel unworthy of God’s mercy.
Therefore, I can’t help but wonder about David’s heart. After taking Bathsheba and causing Uriah’s death, God’s displeasure came through Nathan. Though God forgave David, He required the life of the child as the consequence. Did David not face the same psychological struggle as I do? How was he able to earnestly seek God?
Pastor:
First, we must confirm that when God chose us, we were in a state of sin and rebellion. It was God’s grace that came to us, making us unable to resist His grace, and we accepted salvation. Therefore, we are not saved because we were qualified — it is grace. So in the past, present, and future, we can never be saved by our own merit.
Second, since this is true, God already knew we cannot face sin on our own. Only by depending on God can we have victory. The way to overcome sin is not by facing sin, but by facing God.
Usually, when a child of God sins, both the conscience and the enemy will push us either to “try hard to save ourselves” or to “run away from God.” Therefore, do not hide from God because of sin. Come before Him and ask for mercy. Only when we realize we cannot overcome sin by ourselves do we understand how great the Lord’s grace is.
The saints of the past, like Martin Luther, tried to overcome their sins by their own strength — fasting, self-punishment, asceticism — yet none brought release. Later he realized he was justified by faith and was freed from the torment.
Me:
“It’s common that when God’s children sin, both the conscience and the enemy push us either to try saving ourselves or to run from God.” Yes! This kind of pain is tormenting. Every time I touch it, I see my own weakness, and then I feel even more ashamed… it’s awful! When I am mentally avoiding God, I don’t even want to read the Bible.
Pastor:
What you’re experiencing is part of spiritual growth. If you could overcome sin by your own strength, you would never fully rely on the Lord.
I’ve had the same experience — deep pain and self-loathing — yet I discovered that God still treats me with abundant grace.
One day I prayed: “I am so sinful and rebellious. Why do You still show me such grace?”
God said, “Only love can turn you back. If I punish you, because of your cunning sinful nature, you would think the debt is paid and that we owe each other nothing — and you may continue sinning.”
I suddenly understood. Self-punishment is also a kind of self-salvation. God does things beyond my logic — it is an incomprehensible love.
Me:
Yes, “incomprehensible” indeed! Through this experience, I’ve realized deeply that I am a person of little faith.
Pastor, could you write a prayer for me, so that I can pray it to overcome the resistance in my heart? Is that okay?
Pastor:
Actually, the best prayer is an honest prayer. Come before God just as you are — without excuses or hiding — and pour out your heart. As for the consequences of sin, since I have already entrusted them to God, let Him reign. God has the best way to deal with it, so I will not think too much about it.
David had David’s problems; we have ours. God knows what is best for each of us. Believe that God loves us.
Me:
I understand. I will keep seeking God’s grace to overcome the darkness inside me.
Pastor:
This is a very good experience. Without such experiences, it is hard to convince people that “God loves us unconditionally.”
Also, maintain fellowship with other believers — that’s very important. Don’t isolate yourself, lest Satan lead you into wrong thinking. Keep going!
Me:
Thank you, Pastor. I think I can — and should — come before God now.
Pastor:
Remember: “The way to overcome sin is not by facing sin, but by facing God.”
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