關於「專擅而霸道」的愛 On “Assertive and Overbearing” Love

 昨天我對自閉兒Jabez「對家人的愛」，用了「專擅而霸道」這麼強烈的字眼去描述，很精準，卻也容易引起誤會：這個世界有些愛也是「專擅而霸道」啊！（例如：恐怖情人）難道Jabez的愛與這些愛一樣嗎？如果是，為什麼感覺差那麼多？
Yesterday, I described the love that my autistic child, Jabez, shows to his family as “assertive and overbearing.” It was precise, yet it could easily be misunderstood: some love in this world is also “assertive and overbearing” (for example, in abusive or controlling relationships). Is Jabez’s love the same as that? If so, why does it feel so different?

就「專擅而霸道」的表象而言，看起來的確相同，但Jabez與世界裡那些「專擅而霸道的愛」有兩點不一樣：滿足感與安全感——這兩點，決定了兩者有本質性的不同。
On the surface, “assertive and overbearing” may look the same, but Jabez’s love differs from worldly “assertive and overbearing love” in two ways: fulfillment and security. These two factors determine a fundamental difference.

世界裡的愛，當需要以「專擅而霸道」的形式為之時，往往反映的是當事人對愛的匱乏與不安。因為匱乏，所以需索無度；因為不安，所以緊迫盯人。於是猜疑與憂懼成了愛的黑影，抖不掉也甩不脫。
In the world, when love takes the form of “assertive and overbearing,” it often reflects the person’s lack and insecurity in love. Because of this lack, they demand excessively; because of this insecurity, they cling tightly. Doubt and fear become shadows of their love, impossible to shake off.

而Jabez的「專擅而霸道」，則是來自於「自我世界的緩慢擴張」：從自己（1）、父子（2）到家人（5），他對家人的愛，自帶一種「愛人如己」的特質。
Jabez’s “assertive and overbearing” love comes from the slow expansion of his own world: from himself (1), to parent-child bonds (2), and then to his family (5). His love carries an inherent quality of “love others as oneself.”

另一方面，Jabez從小時候起，媽媽跟我就有「優先關顧Jabez內心、情緒」的教養共識，寧可學習沒做好，也不讓Jabez的情緒爆掉，所以Jabez在我們的羽翼下，可以放心、甚至放任的做自己。而我們這樣的教養模式，也影響了哥哥姐姐用相同的心態，去疼愛這個自閉的小弟弟。
Moreover, from childhood, mama and I agreed on a parenting approach that prioritized Jabez’s inner world and emotions. We would rather he not perform perfectly in learning than allow his emotions to explode. Under our care, he could safely—and even freely—be himself. This approach also influenced his older siblings to love and care for their autistic little brother with the same mindset.

所以，在愛「無虞匱乏」的情況下，Jabez的「安全感」十足，他「相信」只要他想要、他需要的，家人就「一定」會幫他做到。所以Jabez對家人的愛，就會浮現這種「專擅而霸道」的表象：他愛你，就愛你到底。
Thus, in a context of love without lack, Jabez has abundant security. He “believes” that whatever he wants or needs, his family will certainly provide. Consequently, his love for his family manifests as “assertive and overbearing”: when he loves you, he loves you completely.

這就是神透過Jabez給我的啟示：在關係中，在穩定的關係中，在充滿愛而穩定的關係中，專擅而霸道，其實只是一種理所當然的愛的表現。
This is the insight God has given me through Jabez: in relationships—especially stable and love-filled relationships—being “assertive and overbearing” can simply be a natural expression of love.

而我之於神，所缺乏的、需要的，就是這樣的「點火」，一如保羅說的：「我們若果癲狂，是為神。」（林後5:13）
And as for me before God, what I lack and need is this kind of “ignition,” just as Paul said: “If we are out of our mind, it is for God.” (2 Corinthians 5:13)