用一張圖說明特兒家長的認知盲點

 

用一張圖說明特兒家長的認知盲點。 A single chart can reveal the cognitive blind spots of parents of special-needs children. 這張「生長曲線圖」是根據客觀的統計資料繪製而成，家長總會據此量測自家的孩子的成長情況：在區間內，心安；在區間之上，興奮——但若在區間之下呢？ This “growth chart” is drawn from objective statistical data. Parents often use it to measure their child’s development: within the range and they feel at ease; above the range and they feel thrilled—yet what if the child falls below the range? 我們的特兒寶貝，就是在區間之下的受造物。縱軸的內容可以是「身高、體重」，也可以是「智力、情商、學習能力……」不管縱軸的指標是什麼，我們只會擔心再擔心，因為「正常」這個簡單的目標，卻是特兒家庭遙不可及的夢想：「我只是希望我的孩子正常一點。這樣的要求，很過分嗎？」 Our special-needs children are those who fall below the range. The vertical axis may represent height or weight, but it may just as well represent intelligence, emotional maturity, learning ability… Whatever the measure, we worry and worry again, because the simple ideal of “normal” is an unreachable dream for many families: “I just want my child to be a bit more normal. Is that too much to ask?” 要回答這個問題，得先釐清成長曲線圖裡的認知盲點。 To answer this question, we must first identify the blind spots hidden in our understanding of the growth chart. 若「區間內」等於「正常」，那麼「區間外」就是「不正常」。可是我們對「區間之上」的位置並不會有「不正常」的認知，因為我們給它起了另一個名字：優秀。 If “within the range” equals “normal,” then “outside the range” should mean “abnormal.” Yet we never consider the area above the range as abnormal—we give it another name: excellence. 所以，我們骨子裡根本不在乎孩子正不正常，我們想要的，是自己的孩子將別人踩在腳下。 Thus, deep down, we do not truly care whether our children are normal. What we really want is for our own child to stand above others. 所以，我們努力督促特兒變「正常」，只是希望孩子不要被人踩在腳下而已，因為同時被踩在腳下的，還有「家長自己」。 Therefore, when we push a special-needs child to become “normal,” we are really hoping to prevent our child—and ourselves as parents—from being trampled by others. 這才是我們執迷於「正常」的心理潛意識。 This is the subconscious reason we cling so stubbornly to the idea of “normal.” 其次，這張「成長曲線圖」既是「統計」而來，就意謂著圖表上的每一條線都不是你孩子的「真實曲線」；每一個孩子成長的「真實曲線」，都是由「上帝」親手繪製的——每個時間、每個成長，由每個點所連成的「曲線」，才是孩子「真實的成長曲線」。 Furthermore, because the growth chart is based on statistics, every line on that chart is not your child’s true curve. The real growth curve of each child is drawn by God Himself—each moment, each development, every point connected over time forms the child’s true growth curve. 而特兒家長眼裡盯著的，卻是別人家孩子的成長曲線。於是我們以「偏差的關注態度」忽略了我們的孩子，並在這樣的「實質忽略」中經營著扭曲的親子關係。 Yet parents of special-needs children often fixate on other children’s curves. With this misplaced attention, we neglect our own child, and in that subtle neglect, we build a distorted parent-child relationship. 於是我們得到雙輸的結果：特兒還是不夠正常，而親子關係也毀了。 Thus we end up with a double loss: the child remains “not normal enough,” and the parent-child relationship is damaged as well. 回到前面的問題：「我只是希望我的孩子正常一點。這樣的要求，很過分嗎？」其實「過不過分」根本不該是個問題，「陷入認知盲點，逼特兒努力正常」，這才是問題。 Returning to the earlier question: “I just want my child to be a bit more normal. Is that too much to ask?” The issue is not whether it is excessive. The real issue is that we fall into cognitive blind spots and push our special-needs children to strive for “normal.” 因為你需要特兒為你同時解決「孩子＋家長都不被踩在腳下」兩個問題。 Because you are asking your child to solve two problems at once: that neither the child nor the parent ends up beneath others’ feet. 該如何以正確的眼光看待特兒？在屬人的世界裡，很難，因為我們挪不開「比較」之心。只要有比較，我們就難以用「平常心」看待自家的特兒。 How should we view a special-needs child correctly? In the human world, it is difficult, because our hearts cling to comparison. As long as comparison exists, we cannot see our child with true calmness and acceptance. 除非我們尋求「上帝的眼光」。 Unless we seek God’s way of seeing. 每一個受造物，都是神獨一無二、完美的創造，在神眼中，每個特兒都是可喜悅且值得被愛的。特兒的成長曲線圖只該有「孩子自己」的一條成長曲線，裡頭沒有別人。 Every created being is God’s unique and perfect work. In God’s eyes, every special-needs child is delightful and worthy of love. Their growth chart should contain only their own curve—no one else’s. 也許特兒家長拿掉本不屬於孩子的「虛構成長曲線」，就能趨近上帝的眼光，就能為著特兒寶貝的每一個成長、每一個進步真心歡喜、真心稱讚，並在這樣真誠的愛與讚美裡，營造美好的親子關係。 Perhaps if parents remove the “imaginary growth curves” that never belonged to their child, they may draw closer to God’s perspective—able to rejoice sincerely in every bit of progress, to offer genuine praise, and to build a beautiful parent-child relationship through such honest love. 「耶和華不像人看人，人是看外貌，耶和華是看內心。」（撒上16:7） “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)