人獨處的時候,卻是為了釋放慾望。
獨立蒼茫
文字是思想的排泄物,也是滋養思想的營養物。
2026年6月17日 星期三
2026年6月15日 星期一
2026年6月14日 星期日
讀經筆記:出埃及記 2:23-25
經文:出埃及記 2:23-25
23過了多年,埃及王死了。以色列人因做苦工,就歎息哀求,他們的哀聲達於神。
24神聽見他們的哀聲,就記念他與亞伯拉罕、以撒、雅各所立的約。
25神看顧以色列人,也知道他們的苦情。
***
這是「上帝視角」的記載,預告了神將要出手拯救希伯來人。
信主前,我曾被夢工廠的卡通電影「埃及王子」感動過。電影把摩西在「上帝的命令」與「法老的兄弟情(電影的故事設定,非聖經事實)」之間的掙扎拍得很深刻。幾年後,我認識一位基督徒的老師,她桌上放著一本聖經,於是我興沖沖地向她借來看「出埃及記」,結果大失所望。
因為我期待的是電影內容(人性在兩難中的掙扎與盼望)的文字重現,但聖經卻給我「一切都在上帝的計畫中」的閱讀感受,完全沒有閱讀文學作品那種對未知情節好奇的享受感。
之後,我對聖經一點興趣也沒有,直到我信主了才改變----而且是截然相反的改變。
「一切都在上帝的計畫中」正是聖經最重要的理解角度,而我當年居然看輕這一點。這個理解角度誠然會讓我疑惑:「如果一切都是上帝的計畫,那我的努力有何意義與價值?」然而這個疑惑其實是有問題的。
問題在於這個疑惑預設了「努力必有收穫」的因果律,預設了「我要/可以掌握自己命運」的認知,一旦「一切都在上帝的計畫中」,這兩個預設便通通不成立,這是對自由意志的莫大挫折,所以人們通常會反感這樣的「聖經/上帝視角」。
然而對基督徒而言,這個視角恰好是上帝透過聖經啟示祂自己,讓我們確信祂是又真又活、創始成終,是我們永恆盼望的確據所在。因為神永遠都在,也永遠眷顧著我們,所以我們可以毫不懷疑、坦然無懼的跟隨祂,因為不管我們的人生境遇是順境是逆境,神永不改變。
於是,我終於可以理解保羅這段充滿強烈情感的經文:
「既是這樣,還有甚麼說的呢?神若幫助我們,誰能敵擋我們呢?……誰能使我們與基督的愛隔絕呢?難道是患難嗎?是困苦嗎?是逼迫嗎?是飢餓嗎?是赤身露體嗎?是危險嗎?是刀劍嗎?……然而,靠着愛我們的主,在這一切的事上已經得勝有餘了。因為我深信無論是死、是生,是天使、是掌權的,是有能的,是現在的事、是將來的事,是高處的、是低處的,是別的受造之物,都不能叫我們與神的愛隔絕,這愛是在我們的主基督耶穌裏的。」(羅馬書8:31,35,37-39)
---
Bible Study Notes: Exodus 2:23-25
This is an account from a "God's-eye perspective," foreshadowing how God was about to step in and rescue the Hebrews.
Before I became a believer, I was deeply moved by DreamWorks' animated film The Prince of Egypt. The movie powerfully portrayed Moses torn between "God’s command" and his "brotherly bond with Pharaoh" (which was a cinematic narrative choice, not a biblical fact). A few years later, I met a Christian teacher who had a Bible on her desk. Excitedly, I borrowed it from her to read Exodus—only to be profoundly disappointed.
I had expected a textual reenactment of the movie, filled with human struggle, dilemmas, and hope. Instead, the Bible gave me the distinct impression that "everything is within God’s plan." It completely lacked the thrill of suspense and curiosity about the unknown that one usually enjoys when reading literature.
After that, I lost all interest in the Bible. It wasn't until I came to faith that this changed—in fact, it turned completely around.
"Everything is within God's plan" is precisely the most crucial perspective for understanding the Bible, yet back then, I actually looked down on it.
Granted, this perspective can trigger a lingering doubt: "If everything is God’s plan, what is the point or value of my own efforts?" However, this doubt itself is fundamentally flawed.
The flaw lies in its underlying assumptions. It presupposes a law of cause and effect where "effort guarantees reward," and it assumes that "I want to—and can—control my own destiny." The moment we accept that everything is in God's plan, both of these assumptions fall apart. This deals a massive blow to human free will, which is why people often react with aversion to this "biblical/divine perspective."
For Christians, however, this very perspective is how God reveals Himself through Scripture. It gives us the absolute assurance that He is the true and living God, the Author and Finisher of our faith, and the anchor of our eternal hope. Because God is always present and always mindful of us, we can follow Him with absolute confidence and without fear. No matter whether we face smooth sailing or adversity in life, God never changes.
Through this, I can finally understand the intense, emotion-filled words of the Apostle Paul:
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." — Romans 8:31, 35, 37-39 (NIV)
2026年6月13日 星期六
2026年5月31日 星期日
自省文
這是我幾天前看到的一篇FB貼文(見上一篇),,裡面有很不錯的觀念,但是我很清楚,我觸及到一個邊界。那個邊界就是「對神的渴慕」。
聽起來很奇怪,對不對?我喜歡讀聖經,也樂於思考,看起來不像不渴慕神的樣子。
但信仰從來不是努力在「看起來」之上,而是「內心是否真的敞開」。
我敞開過,但關起來的次數更多----這就是我的問題。
我為何珍惜少數有過的屬靈經驗?因為那是被聖靈觸摸的生命觸動。當下的感動是真實的,但問題是,我無法延續它。
關鍵就在我還活在這個世界上----這個充滿各種誘惑的世界。
我不是想卸責(自己不努力尋求神,還去怪罪別人),而是表達我的軟弱:我對這個世界的抵抗力,真的不高。
昨天主日後的聖餐時間,我與Peter聊起基督徒面對「罪的誘惑」時的兩難:當我過著屬靈的生活,與神有親密的關係時,那感覺是享受的;但當我的罪性、生理需求與世界的罪相勾連時,我的感受也是「享受」的----唯一的差別,大概是享受犯罪快感之後,真真實實的空虛感與罪惡感,而屬靈的享受不會這樣。
回到我的問題。其實,我也常會處在這種兩難之中。我會在乎別人的眼光,知道在世界中生活的各種邊界(「不侵犯別人」的邊界),所以我守的還可以,並據此建立了較好的外在形象。然而一個人獨處的時候,沒有別人眼光的顧忌的時候,反而是我罪性最活躍的時候----我知道上帝在,知道他在看著我,但我看不見他,所以我自我欺騙的「一個人」享受犯罪。這有點像你公開認罪的狀況:我們可以選擇不犯罪,但在那個「心裡感覺安全」的獨處情境裡,我們「選擇」了得罪神。
在2013年,我寫了這首詩:<我看見撒旦在微笑>
我看見撒旦在微笑
當我在禱告中
更多的關注在自己的苦痛
我看見撒旦在微笑
當我將負擔交托給主
卻急於看見負擔的消弭
我看見撒旦在微笑
當我空出了心中的位置給主
卻常常想去檢視位置是否空著
我看見撒旦在微笑
當我求主死滅我的老我
卻仍捨不得放下自以為好的自我
我看見撒旦在微笑
當我誦唸聖經的語句
卻只聽見聲音的震動
我看見
撒旦在微笑......(完)
這是我剛信主時寫的詩。多年過去了,我依然還在努力「渴慕神」。
那篇FB文章的結論很溫暖:
「也許有些罪的背後,其實藏著一個很深的空缺。而真正能填滿人的,不是更強的意志力,而是更深地經歷上帝的愛。 ......
也許我們不只是要努力「戒掉罪」。我們更需要的,是慢慢「離開罪」。
不是因為我們很有意志力,很能忍,而是因為我們開始嚐到更美的東西。 」
就像耶利米書31:3 說的:
古時耶和華向以色列顯現,說:「我以永遠的愛愛你, 因此我以慈愛吸引你。 」
願你我都把心向神完全敞開,讓光照進我心,充滿我心,單單享受神永遠的慈愛,不眷戀世界對罪性的「呼喚」。
---
This is a Facebook post I came across a few days ago. It contains some very profound concepts, but I am well aware that I have reached a boundary. That boundary is "the longing for God."
It sounds strange, doesn't it? I love reading the Bible and I enjoy contemplating it, so I don't look like someone who doesn't long for God. However, faith is never about striving to "look the part," but rather about "whether the heart is truly open."
I have opened up before, but I have shut it down even more times—and that is my problem.
Why do I cherish the few spiritual experiences I've had? Because they were moments where my life was genuinely touched by the Holy Spirit. The moving feeling in those moments was real, but the problem is, I cannot sustain it.
The crux of the matter is that I am still living in this world—a world brimming with all kinds of temptations.
I am not trying to shirk responsibility (blaming others instead of striving to seek God myself); rather, I am expressing my weakness: my resistance to this world is honestly not very strong.
Yesterday, during fellowship after the Sunday service, Peter and I talked about the dilemma Christians face when confronting the "temptation of sin." When I live a spiritual life and share an intimate relationship with God, that feeling is enjoyable. But when my sinful nature and physical desires intertwine with the sins of the world, my experience is also one of "enjoyment." The only difference, perhaps, is the genuine sense of emptiness and guilt that follows the pleasure of sinning, whereas spiritual enjoyment never leaves such a bitter aftertaste.
Back to my own problem. In fact, I often find myself caught in this exact dilemma. I care about how others perceive me, and I know the various boundaries of living in society (the boundary of "not imposing on others"), so I manage well enough and have built a decent outward image based on that. Yet, when I am alone, free from the scrutiny of others, that is precisely when my sinful nature becomes most active. I know God is there, I know He is watching me, but because I cannot see Him, I deceive myself into thinking I am "alone" and indulge in sin. This is somewhat like the situation of public confession you mentioned: we have the choice not to sin, but in that private setting where "the heart feels safe," we "choose" to offend God.
In 2013, I wrote this poem: I See Satan Smiling
I See Satan Smiling
I see grim Satan smile with pride,
When in my prayers I choose to hide,
And fix my gaze upon my grief,
Rather than seek His sweet relief.
I see grim Satan smile with pride,
When to the Lord my cares confide,
Yet anxiously I demand to see
My heavy burdens lift from me.
I see grim Satan smile with pride,
When for the Lord a place provide,
Yet often turn my eyes to trace
If emptiness still fills the space.
I see grim Satan smile with pride,
When asking that the old self died,
Yet tightly clutch and hold so dear
The worldly righteousness I fear.
I see grim Satan smile with pride,
When Holy Scriptures are applied,
Yet all I hear from words profound
Is but the trembling of the sound.
I see him watch,
And smile with pride... (The End)
This is a poem I wrote when I was a new believer. Many years have passed since then, and I am still striving to "long for God."
The conclusion of that Facebook post was very warm:
"Perhaps behind some sins, there lies a deeply hidden void. And what truly fills a person is not a stronger willpower, but a deeper experience of God’s love. ... Perhaps our goal shouldn't just be striving to 'quit sin.' What we need more is to slowly 'depart from sin.'
Not because we possess great willpower or endurance, but because we have begun to taste something far more beautiful."
Just as Jeremiah 31:3 says:
The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
May both you and I open our hearts completely to God. Let His light shine into our hearts and fill them entirely, so that we may solely enjoy His everlasting lovingkindness, and no longer yearn for the world's "calling" to our sinful nature.
2026年5月28日 星期四
轉貼:一篇FB與基督信仰有關的文章
今天讀到一位諮商心理師提到一個很有意思的概念。他說,面對上癮,很多時候不要只是「戒癮」,而是要學習「離癮」。
所謂戒癮,很像是硬撐。
戒酒、戒菸、戒手遊、戒短影音……
我們很努力地壓抑自己、命令自己「不要再碰」。
但很多時候,心裡其實還是很想要。
於是人就會陷入一種循環:
拼命忍耐 → 意志力耗盡 → 再次沉迷 → 內疚羞愧 → 更討厭自己 → 又再次沉迷。
問題是,很多癮頭的背後,本來就不只是「喜歡那個東西」而已。
有人一直滑手機,其實是害怕孤單。
有人沉迷遊戲,是因為現實太挫敗。
有人酗酒,是想暫時忘記衝突與壓力。
有人無法停止工作,是因為只有成就感才能讓他覺得自己有價值。
所以「離癮」的概念,不只是反抗那個行為,
而是去理解:我真正缺少的到底是什麼?
或許是安全感。
或許是陪伴。
或許是被肯定。
或許只是內心太空了。
我們需要找到上癮背後的真正原因,
才能解決內心根本的議題。
後來我就在想,基督徒面對罪,會不會也是這樣的概念?
很多時候,我們努力「戒罪」。
不要貪財、不要色情、不要嫉妒、不要說謊。但內心深處,其實還是很渴望那些東西能帶來的快感與好處。
於是我們就活在另一種循環裡:
努力克制 → 失敗跌倒 → 自責羞愧 → 再次立志 → 又再次失敗。
可是福音好像不只是叫我們更用力地壓抑自己。而是邀請我們去發現:為什麼我這麼需要這些東西?
也許有些罪的背後,
其實藏著一個很深的空缺。
而真正能填滿人的,
不是更強的意志力,
而是更深地經歷上帝的愛。
當人真的在信仰裡得到安全感,
在教會找到相愛的群體,
在服事裡找到價值,
在福音裡體會到恩典與盼望,
就能慢慢鬆手放開曾經依賴的某些事物。
也許我們不只是要努力「戒掉罪」。
我們更需要的,是慢慢「離開罪」。
不是因為我們很有意志力,很能忍,
而是因為我們開始嚐到更美的東西。
---
Today, I read something really interesting by a counseling psychologist. He said that when we’re dealing with addiction, a lot of times we shouldn't just try to "abstain from addiction," but instead learn to "leave addiction."
Abstaining from an addiction feels like you’re just forcing yourself to white-knuckle it.
Abstaining from drinking, smoking, mobile games, or short-form videos...
We try so hard to suppress our urges, telling ourselves, "Don’t you dare touch that again."
But honestly, most of the time, we still really want it deep down.
So we get trapped in this endless loop:
Trying so hard to hold back → Running completely out of willpower → Falling right back into it → Feeling super guilty and ashamed → Hating ourselves even more → And then falling back into it all over again.
The thing is, what’s driving the addiction usually isn't just that we "like that thing."
Someone who can’t stop scrolling through their phone might actually just be terrified of being lonely.
Someone hooked on gaming might just find reality way too frustrating.
Someone drinking heavily might just want to temporarily escape from conflict and stress.
Someone who’s a total workaholic might feel like they only matter when they achieve something.
That’s why the idea of "leaving addiction" isn't just about fighting the behavior.
It’s about figuring out: what is it that I’m actually missing?
Maybe it’s a sense of security.
Maybe it’s companionship.
Maybe it’s validation.
或 Maybe the inside of us is just totally empty.
We have to find the real root cause behind the addiction to actually fix what's going on inside our hearts.
Later, it got me thinking—is it the exact same way for Christians dealing with sin?
A lot of times, we try so hard to "abstain from sin."
Don't love money, don't watch porn, don't be jealous, don't lie. But deep down, we still secretly crave the pleasure and perks those things give us.
So we end up living in a whole different loop:
Trying our best to control ourselves → Messing up and falling down → Blaming ourselves and feeling ashamed → Making a fresh resolution → And then messing up all over again.
But the Gospel doesn't seem to just tell us to suppress ourselves even harder. Instead, it invites us to ask: why do I feel like I need these things so badly?
Maybe behind some of our sins, there's actually a really deep void.
And the thing that can truly fill a person isn't stronger willpower—it's experiencing God's love on a much deeper level.
When someone truly finds security in their faith, finds a community that loves them in the church, finds their value in serving, and really feels the grace and hope in the Gospel, they can slowly start to let go of the things they used to lean on.
Maybe we don't just need to work hard to "abstain from sin."
What we really need is to slowly "leave sin."
Not because we have amazing willpower or can endure a ton of pain, but because we've started to taste something so much better.
2026年5月23日 星期六
20260524 Andrew講道影片心得
影片出處:https://youtu.be/ACHeLoI2p0A?si=QxdSzXzIpquiS2b4 (英文版)
今天Andrew 的講道很觸動我,因為他所說的罪的屬性與影響,在我身上通通都有。
罪跟酵一樣,會進入、擴散、腐蝕我們的生命,而可怕的是,這個過程是不可逆的----除非神的救恩臨到。常常我誤以為,只要自己的屬靈狀況「有改進」,就已經在處理罪了。這樣的心態,讓我一方面的確朝著救恩的方向前進,但另一方面,也仍然給罪留下破口。等到自己發覺不對勁了,常常已經是「走得太遠」了。
生命從麻木到剛硬,是一個漸進的過程,這也是罪最可怕的地方。它通常不會在犯罪之初就讓我感覺到捆綁與死亡,相反的,我會覺得享受,覺得快樂。那滋味如此難忘,於是逐漸陷溺其中(還是主動的陷進去),難以自拔。陷溺越深,捆綁就越緊,以至於死亡。
罪始於誘惑,終於死亡,這是聖經反覆證實的事,但我生命中「淡化感受,享受安逸」的特質,使我對罪的病識感常在感覺「有改進」的狀況下鬆懈,於是又成為罪的俘虜。
罪使人羞愧,使人隱藏,所以要將罪攤在光中是何等的困難!所以我們都需要神的恩典遮蓋,知道主耶穌願意、也已經為我們付上贖價,才能在神的赦免與釋放中重新獲得自由。
我永遠記得Jonathan Yang 牧師當年帶我做認罪禱告時的聖靈感動。「我們若認自己的罪,神是信實的,是公義的,必要赦免我們的罪,洗淨我們一切的不義」(約翰一書 1:9),當我跟著牧師一句一句禱告唸到這句經文時,我痛哭流涕,泣不成聲,那股強力灌注進來的感動,將我心裡深深的罪疚感完全驅散,那是我第一次感經歷鎖鏈被砍斷、捆綁被釋放、生命被洗淨的感覺。我當年犯下的錯並未消失,但我不用再被罪疚感控訴,因為我屬於耶穌基督了。
我曾有過如此美好的屬靈經歷,但我卻無法持續下去,「痛過就忘(淡化感受)」是我的致命傷,成為我隱微的罪,傷害著我,也傷害著我身邊的人。今天Andrew 的講道再度提醒了我,對於罪,我不能輕易饒恕自己,因為我若輕易饒恕自己,那就是給罪留餘地,與罪沒完沒了的「相愛相殺」。
求主賜給我警醒的心,以慈愛吸引我,將我的眼目帶離這個世界,讓我望向耶穌,望向永生。也求主賜我順服的生命,不再愛自己過於愛神。
Andrew’s message today deeply touched me because every characteristic and effect of sin that he described can be found in my own life.
Sin is like yeast—it enters, spreads, and corrupts our lives. What makes it so frightening is that this process is irreversible unless God’s salvation intervenes. Too often, I mistakenly think that as long as my spiritual condition is “improving,” I am dealing with sin. This mindset does move me toward salvation in some ways, but at the same time, it leaves openings for sin to remain. By the time I realize something is wrong, I have often already gone too far.
The progression from spiritual numbness to hardness of heart is gradual, and that is what makes sin so dangerous. It rarely makes me feel its bondage and death at the beginning. Instead, it feels enjoyable; it feels pleasurable. The experience is so memorable that I gradually become immersed in it—indeed, I willingly plunge myself into it—and find it difficult to break free. The deeper the indulgence, the tighter the bondage becomes, ultimately leading to death.
Sin begins with temptation and ends in death. This truth is repeatedly affirmed throughout Scripture. Yet my tendency to dull my feelings and seek comfort often weakens my awareness of sin whenever I sense that I am “making progress.” As a result, I once again become a captive of sin.
Sin brings shame, and shame causes people to hide. That is why bringing sin into the light is so difficult. We all need God’s grace to cover us. Only when we know that Jesus was willing—and has already paid the ransom for us—can we receive true freedom through God’s forgiveness and deliverance.
I will never forget the work of the Holy Spirit when Pastor Jonathan Yang led me in a prayer of confession years ago. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). As I repeated this verse line by line after him during the prayer, I broke down in tears and could hardly speak. A powerful wave of conviction and comfort flooded into me, completely driving away the deep guilt I had carried in my heart. It was the first time I experienced what it felt like for chains to be broken, for bondage to be released, and for my life to be cleansed. The mistakes I had made did not disappear, but I no longer had to live under the accusation of guilt, because I belonged to Jesus Christ.
I once had such a beautiful spiritual experience, yet I have not been able to sustain it. “Forgetting the pain once it has passed” — dulling my sensitivity to what I have experienced — has become my fatal weakness. It has turned into a subtle sin that harms both me and the people around me. Andrew’s message today reminded me once again that I cannot afford to be lenient with myself regarding sin. If I easily excuse myself, I am simply giving sin room to remain, continuing an endless cycle of conflict and entanglement with it.
May the Lord give me a watchful heart. May His love draw me to Himself, turning my eyes away from this world and fixing them on Jesus and on eternal life. And may He grant me a life of obedience, so that I will no longer love myself more than I love God.
2026年5月18日 星期一
2026/05/17 David 牧師講道講稿(Stephen 長老潤改)
David Loveland
引言
我想談一個我們有時可能自以為了解的主題。
人們會問你:「你得救了嗎?」很多時候,我們聽見這個問題時,會按照過去被教導的方式回答,卻沒有真正理解「得救」或「救恩」這個詞所包含的重要性、深度與廣度。
這篇信息與我們如何在生命中經歷上帝拯救的工作有關。
不只是因為某一天我們做了一個禱告。那只是開始。那只是打開一道門,使你開始與上帝同行、經歷生命。但如果你停留在那裡,其實你還沒真正開始。
很多人被帶到基督面前之後,我們卻看見他們漸漸消失、跌倒、離開。我們再也見不到他們。因為有時我們沒有學會如何陪伴他們,也沒有學會如何幫助他們踏出下一步——真正地信靠耶穌,以至於能說:
「我如此信任祢,因此我願意跟隨祢。」
這樣的信任,比較像婚姻中的信任。
我記得四十二年前,我與 Pamela 結婚時,在婚禮那天之前都還好,但到了婚禮當天,我卻害怕得不得了。為什麼?因為我知道我正進入另一個層次。我現在要對她負責,也要把我的生命委身給她。
當然,我會做得不完全。我會失敗很多次。但我裡面有一種預備好的心志:
「Pamela,我要與你立約,只要我們都還活著,我就要與你同行。」
所以我們就這樣一起走過來了。這並不總是容易,但卻是美好的,因為耶穌是我們關係的中心。
如果耶穌不在中心,一切就會變得混亂,也會變得非常艱難。
我也想說,看見你們每個星期天都歡迎聖靈進入你們當中,是多麼令人鼓舞。你們帶著期待來聚會,相信自己會遇見上帝,也能回應祂。
看見年輕人越來越渴慕神、越來越深地經歷祂,也非常令人振奮。作為一個老人家,我真的深受鼓舞。
2026年5月17日 星期日
台中爐火
所有的材料一旦入爐
就必須封好爐蓋
偶而壓力會頂開爐蓋,逸出
一絲廚餘的味道
一絲腐屍的氣息
一聲輕微的爆炸
一縷嗆鼻的黑煙
「丹砂尚未煉就......」
守爐的嬤嬤一臉慈愛
「我只管爐內,不管爐外。」
台北盆栽
跨海移植於此的朽木
貪婪地吸吮著盆地
有限的營養
盆栽裡的朽木越來越貪
卻越長越小
與頭上的青天白日,也
漸行漸遠
西風吹來故鄉的呼喚
朽木發出吱吱嘎嘎的嗚咽
卻打死不肯離開
小小的盆栽