淅瀝嘩啦

按：仿學生作品，非原創

我來找你
臉上停不下來的淅瀝嘩啦
那個夜晚
天上也停不下來淅瀝嘩啦

你眼中的我
臉上滿是淅瀝嘩啦
我眼前的你
只想拭去我的淅瀝嘩啦

「你沒看見
這整夜的淅瀝嘩啦？」

時間是你手中
逐漸消瘦的衛生紙
你的世界是寂靜
而我的世界震耳欲聾
淅瀝嘩啦

惡夢

 2026/07/01晚上，我做了一個惡夢。

我夢見我與家人去參加一個活動，需要搭公車到活動地點。我開車送他們到上車地點，讓他們先上車，然後去找停車位。我找的有點久，當徒步回到上車地點時，公車已經出發了。

還好，公車還看得見，而且此時是上坡。我自料應該還趕得上，於是開始拼命地跑。也許是上坡對我的負擔也很大，我拼盡全力，卻仍只能眼睜睜看著公車漸行漸遠。

我又累又急，不知該怎麼辦。正心慌時，太太居然搭了一台車回頭找我。她告訴我公車暫停在前方不遠處，我們馬上過去，應該趕得上。於是我們拔腿起跑，想要追上公車。（印象中我在太太身上拿到一張寫著3個地名的紙條，應該是她一路經過的地點。不過這個細節不太重要）

我雖然累，但太太帶來的消息讓我振奮，所以跑得起勁，但此時太太身穿連身禮服，跑步不方便，嚴重拖慢了速度。我一時心急，深怕趕不上公車的悲劇再來一次，於是拋下太太，一個人拔腿狂奔。我心想：「太太你等我，等我攔住公車，我會請司機停下來等你的。」

事與願違，我還是沒趕上公車，這次連公車的背影都沒瞧見。我極度疲累，對沒有攔到公車感到沮喪。我想回頭去找太太，卻發現自己顧著追公車，已經迷路了！

這下子我心更慌了！焦慮到不行。我到路邊的風景區探問、尋找，還是不見太太的蹤跡。天色漸暗，我喪氣地離開風景區，卻發現所有的門全都關上了！

怎麼辦？沒找到太太，我自己還被困在風景區！我整個人崩潰大哭，這時候，所有的門忽然都開了！

瞬間出現的希望怎能輕易放過？我立刻衝出風景區，繼續尋找太太。但希望之後是無盡的絕望：此刻我人在陌生的城鎮（夢中的地名是苗栗----又一個不重要的細節），身邊都是彎曲的小路，每每抱著希望可以通往大路（因為才會有公車），卻常常走到死巷被迫折返。幾度往復尋路未果後，我疲累不堪、心急如焚，不知道太太現在怎麼樣了？沮喪、絕望、擔憂......所有的負面情緒擰成一股越收越緊的焦慮，讓我在陌生的街頭獨自慌亂無依。

這時候，救星出現了。一個當地人告訴我，他家有家用電話可以讓我聯絡太太。我連聲道謝，但對方拿出來的，卻是一具故障的電話機，上面的數字鍵位置錯亂，有的還脫落。我一再按錯號碼，聯絡不上太太，心中的焦慮感又上升了一層。最後不知道是誰提供了一具正常的電話機，我才首度接通、聯絡上太太。當我聽到話筒裡傳來熟悉的聲音時，我的情緒瞬間大崩潰，痛哭到不行。

夢境在這裡結束。我躺在床上，思索著夢境的意義：

1.失去太太的焦慮感貫穿整個夢境，這反映了太太在我生命中的重要性，我不能沒有她。

2.夢境裡，我迷路在風景區、陌生城鎮裡，快要抓狂的焦慮與慌亂，是我強烈的內在風暴。但這個風暴關鎖在我的心裡，我太太並不知道我是如此的在乎她。

夢醒後，我把這的夢告訴太太。她一下子就看出一個我沒意識到、卻極為重要的對比：我沒跟上公車，她會折回來找我；可是當我們一起追公車時，我卻拋下了她。她總結說：「這就是我們兩人個性的差異，也是我們的關係一再反覆的原因。」

我恍然大悟，也意識到夢境裡的一個小細節：太太回頭找我時，那是一個「特寫畫面」，太太是畫面中唯一的主角；相反的，我和太太一起追公車那一幕卻是個「遠鏡頭畫面」，太太在畫面裡一直是小小的，然後漸漸的默默的，被我拋在鏡頭之外。

這個畫面對比，呈現了太太在我心中兩種截然相反的地位：

1.當我需要她時，她絕對是我心中的第一與唯一

2.當我專注在眼前的任務（追公車）時，我會為了達成任務而輕易拋下她。可是我會告訴自己：我是為了她，才會不得已拋下她

太太不只一次告訴過我：「人比事情重要」。我以為我理解這句話，因為我在做事時都會告訴自己：我是為了她；但我真的不理解這句話，因為每次我完成任務時，她有時會不滿意，就繼續找下一件事情給我做……

我終於知道，當我只確認自己的心意，卻沒有真正在意對方的想法與需要時，我滿腔的愛與在乎，只侷限在自己的內心裡，對方完全感受不到。因為我的行為（拋下她）比起我的言詞（嘴上說在乎），更能「證明」我對她的愛。

想到這裡，多年來太太在每次爭吵後累積的委屈，我終於同感了。那些陳年舊帳，對我而言只是已經翻篇的「往事」，但對太太而言，卻是「舊創未癒，又添上新的」一道道傷痕。那些痛，只是她為了愛、為了關係而選擇放下，但是並未遺忘。

後記（7/18）

我很少做夢，會被我刻意記下來的夢，通常都有意義。

就像我在週三小組時說的，我沒有先知的恩賜，所以我不認為這是神感動的夢，勉強可以說是神透過這個夢在對我說話。對我而言，找到「對準神」的角度去解讀這個夢，應該是比較重要的。

這個夢在哪裡對準神呢？我認為是在夫妻關係這個層面上。從屬人的角度，我覺得我是一個愛太太、愛家庭的人，太太交代的事我都有做，對孩子應盡的責任我也努力做到，但我看不見自己「忽視家人」的部分，這部分隱藏在我的心態與行為模式裡。

這個夢把我「主觀上在乎家人，客觀上卻忽視家人」的問題呈現出來，而且充滿強烈的情緒感受，以至於Daphne 點出的一個重點細節，我可以馬上在夢境裡捕捉到符合細節的畫面。

所以，我為這個影響夫妻關係的「問題」認罪，求神帶領我勝過這個罪，讓我把心裡對妻子的在乎，能夠透過「行為」以及「願意改變的心意」讓妻子能看見、感受到，不讓這個問題繼續成為夫妻感情的破口。

***

The Nightmare

On The night of July 1,2026, I had a nightmare.

I dreamed that my family and I were going to an event, and we needed to take a bus to the venue. I drove them to the boarding spot, let them get on first, and then went to look for a parking space. It took me quite a while to find one, and by the time I walked back to the boarding spot, the bus had already left.

Fortunately, the bus was still in sight, and it was going uphill. Thinking I could still catch up, I started running as fast as I could. Perhaps the uphill climb was too taxing; despite giving it my absolute all, I could only watch helplessly as the bus drifted further and further away.

Exhausted and panicked, I didn’t know what to do. Just as anxiety was taking over, my wife unexpectedly rode a vehicle back to find me. She told me the bus had temporarily stopped not too far ahead, and if we hurried, we could still make it. So, we both took off running, trying to catch up with the bus. (I vaguely recall getting a slip of paper from her with three place names written on it, likely locations she had passed along the way. But this detail isn't very important.)

Although I was tired, the news she brought energized me, and I ran with renewed vigor. However, she was wearing a full-length gown, which made running difficult and slowed her down significantly. In a fit of urgency, terrified of repeating the tragedy of missing the bus, I abandoned my wife and sprinted ahead alone. I thought to myself, "Wait for me, honey. Once I stop the bus, I'll ask the driver to wait for you."

Things didn't go as planned. I still missed the bus, and this time, I couldn't even see its tail lights. Utterly exhausted, I felt a deep sense of defeat for failing to stop it. I wanted to turn back and find my wife, only to realize that in my frantic chase, I had completely lost my way!

Now, panic truly set in! My anxiety skyrocketed. I went into a roadside scenic area to ask around and look for her, but there was still no sign of my wife. As darkness began to fall, I despondently prepared to leave the scenic area, only to find that all the gates were locked!

What was I supposed to do? I hadn't found my wife, and now I was trapped in the scenic area myself! I completely broke down and wept. Right at that moment, all the gates suddenly swung open!

How could I let a sudden glimmer of hope slip away? I immediately rushed out of the scenic area to continue searching for my wife. But hope was quickly followed by endless despair: I now found myself in an unfamiliar town (the name in my dream was Miaoli—another unimportant detail), surrounded by winding alleys. Time and again, I hoped these paths would lead to a main road (where the buses would be), only to hit dead ends and be forced to turn back. After repeatedly searching for a way out to no avail, I was exhausted and frantic, worrying about how my wife was doing. Frustration, despair, worry... all these negative emotions twisted into a tight, suffocating knot of anxiety, leaving me panicked and helpless on the unfamiliar streets.

Just then, a savior appeared. A local told me I could use his home phone to contact my wife. I thanked him profusely, but what he handed me was a broken telephone. The number keys were scrambled, and some had even fallen off. I kept dialing the wrong numbers, unable to reach her, and my anxiety spiked to another level. Finally, someone—I don’t know who—provided a functioning phone, and I was finally able to connect with my wife for the first time. The moment I heard her familiar voice on the other end, I completely broke down, crying uncontrollably.

Reflections in the Waking World

The dream ended there. Lying in bed, I pondered its meaning:

1.The anxiety of losing my wife ran through the entire dream, reflecting how crucial she is in my life—I simply cannot live without her.

2.The overwhelming anxiety and panic of getting lost in the scenic area and the unfamiliar town represented a powerful internal storm. Yet, this storm was locked away inside my own heart; my wife had no idea just how deeply I cared for her.

After waking up, I shared this dream with my wife. She instantly pointed out a stark, crucial contrast that I had completely missed: when I failed to catch the bus, she turned back to find me; yet, when we were running after the bus together, I abandoned her.

She summarized, "This is the difference in our personalities, and it's the reason why our relationship keeps falling into the same patterns."

A wave of realization hit me, and I recalled a subtle detail from the dream: when my wife came back to look for me, it was a "close-up shot," with her as the sole focus of the frame. In contrast, the scene of us chasing the bus together was a "long shot"—she remained tiny in the frame, gradually and silently left behind, fading out of the picture.

This visual contrast captured two completely contradictory places my wife holds in my heart:

1.When I need her, she is absolutely my top and only priority.

2.When I am focused on the task at hand (chasing the bus), I will easily abandon her to achieve my goal. Yet, I justify it to myself: I only left her behind because I had no choice, and I did it for her sake.

My wife has told me more than once, "People are more important than tasks." I thought I understood this because whenever I was busy doing things, I would tell myself I was doing them for her. But in reality, I didn't truly grasp it. Because every time I finished a task, she would sometimes remain unsatisfied and simply find the next chore for me to do...

I finally understand: when I only validate my own intentions without genuinely caring about the other person's thoughts and needs, my heart full of love and care remains locked inside me. She cannot feel it at all. Ultimately, my actions (abandoning her) "prove" my love far more loudly than my words (saying I care) ever could.

Realizing this, I finally empathized with the years of accumulated hurt and resentment my wife has carried after every single argument. To me, those past grievances were just "history" that had been put to rest. But to my wife, they were wounds upon wounds—old scars that had never healed, topped with fresh new cuts. She only chose to set that pain aside for the sake of love and our relationship, but she never forgot them.

ps：

​I rarely dream, so the dreams I deliberately choose to remember usually have meaning.

​As I mentioned during our Wednesday small group, I don’t have the gift of prophecy. Therefore, I don’t view this as a divinely inspired dream; at most, it could be said that God is speaking to me through it. For me, the more important thing should be finding the right perspective to interpret this dream by "aligning with God."

​Where does this dream align with God? I believe it is at the level of the marital relationship. From a human perspective, I feel that I am someone who loves my wife and my family. I do what my wife asks of me, and I strive to fulfill my responsibilities to my children. However, I fail to see the ways in which I "neglect my family"—a part of me that is hidden within my mindset and behavioral patterns.

​This dream brought to light my issue of "caring about my family subjectively, yet neglecting them objectively." It was so filled with intense emotions that when Daphne pointed out a key detail, I was immediately able to capture a visual in the dream that matched that detail.

​Therefore, I confess this "issue" that impacts our marital relationship as a sin, and I ask God to lead me to overcome it. I pray that the care I hold for my wife in my heart can be seen and felt by her through my "actions" and a "willingness to change," so that this issue will no longer serve as a breach in our marriage.

強力推薦：「腦海裡的世界」 記錄片（英國BBC製作）

https://b23.tv/NVUvzjf

第1-2集：自閉症（共4個個案）

第3集：過過動症（2個個案）

第4集：讀寫障礙（2個個案）

因為Jabez的緣故，我們接觸、進入了特兒的世界----不只是Jabez的個人世界，也包括各式各樣、不同障別的特兒圈子。感謝主，讓我們在信主後才生下Jabez，這幫助了我們很早就對準神，以尋求神「偽裝的祝福」的角度去陪伴、照顧這個孩子，並讓我們看見，神透過這個孩子給我們家一路以來的啟示是什麼。

在上帝眼裡、在家人眼中，Jabez是多麼可愛、甚至是完美的小孩！但我們眼中的「可愛」，可能與一般人的認知不太一樣，因為一般人沒有近距離理解特兒的機會。

甚至很多的特兒家長，也不瞭解自己所生下的特兒。所以特兒究竟花了多大的努力讓自己融入這個世界（從家庭到社會），我們永遠不會知道。

直到有人願意幫助他們把自己「腦海裡的世界」表達出來。

影片裡，個案幾乎都提到他們兩方面的困境：融入世界的困難，以及融入世界（甚至僅是簡單的「被理解」）的渴望。對於他們，「被接納」遠比「變正常」更為重要，因為意識到自己的「特殊」，已經是他們永遠放不下、需要一輩子奮戰的十字架了。

這兩天，我們全家一起看完「腦海裡的世界」，邊收看邊討論。我們不只是談論Jabez，更多的時候，我們透過影片提到的「癥狀」去檢視自己，是否有這些特殊的「內在生命因子」。在討論中，家人彼此坦白自己的軟弱，而這樣的坦白，帶來同理與接住，家人的關係更加緊密了。

分享這個記錄片，是希望特兒們可以在大家的「理解」中，也能漸漸地被大家同理與接納住。我想，這是會讓上帝發出微笑的美好事情 。 

***

Highly Recommended: "Inside Our Autistic（ADHD/Dyslexic） Minds" Documentary (Produced by the BBC)

Episodes 1–2: Autism (4 case studies) 

Episode 3: ADHD (2 case studies) 

Episode 4: Dyslexia (2 case studies)

Because of Jabez, we encountered and entered the world of special needs children—not just Jabez’s personal world, but also the wider community of children with various types of disabilities. Thank God that we came to know the Lord before Jabez was born. This helped us align our focus with God early on, allowing us to accompany and care for this child by seeking God’s "blessings in disguise." It also showed us the revelations God has brought to our family through him along the way.

In the eyes of God and his family, Jabez is such a lovely, even perfect child! However, our definition of "lovely" might differ from the mainstream perspective, as most people rarely get the chance to understand special needs children up close.

In fact, many parents themselves do not truly understand the special needs children they gave birth to. We will never truly know how much effort these children put into fitting into this world, from their families to society.

That is, until someone is willing to help them express "the world in their minds."

In the documentary, almost all the individuals mentioned a two-fold struggle: the difficulty of fitting into the world, and their deep longing to fit in (or even to simply be understood). For them, "being accepted" is far more important than "becoming normal." Recognizing their own "uniqueness" is already a lifelong cross they can never put down.

Over the past two days, our whole family watched "Inside Our Autistic（ADHD/Dyslexic） Minds " together, discussing it as we watched. We didn't just talk about Jabez; more often, we examined ourselves through the "symptoms" mentioned in the video to see if we also carried these unique "inner life factors." During our discussion, family members openly shared their own weaknesses. This honesty brought empathy and support, drawing our family even closer together.

I am sharing this documentary in the hope that through everyone's "understanding," special needs children can gradually be empathized with and accepted. I believe this is a beautiful thing that will bring a smile to God's face.

------------------------------------------------------

其實，這個記錄片讓我的家人都重新檢視了自己，以及彼此長年來的共處經驗。

第3集，ADHD的亨利具有兩種特質：亂中有序與健忘。前者是Daphne 的特質，我認識她時就已經知道，後者則是我的特質。而我兼具自閉症「追求秩序感」的特質（ex：我求學時，書架上的書會按照書本大小排列），與Daphne亂中有序恰好對立。Daphne具有圖像記憶的能力，她可以根據腦海裡的視覺地圖，清楚知道什麼東西放在哪裡，我一旦將物品動了位置，她會找不到東西。而我也可能會找不到，因為我忘記收去哪裡了。

這個問題，在我們相處的過程中必須學會適應對方或妥協，不然永遠吵不完。所以我學會包容Daphne的亂（孩子出生後家裡更亂，但我已經完全妥協了），以免東西找不到怪罪我。而Daphne也對我的健忘徹底死了心，也訓練孩子一起對我「耳提面命」，降低健忘對生活造成的「災損」。

第4集， 讀寫障礙的李對我而言是個特別的個案，他的音感超好。他想演音樂劇，但讀寫障礙讓他根本無法參與演出，因為他連四句長度的歌詞都背不下來，拍攝團隊甚至被迫為了他延長影片拍攝時間，且到處貼提示詞幫助他。

我沒有讀寫障礙，但我跟他一樣具有先天音感（這是Daphne發現的，因為我不用看譜就可以根據抓到的基準音彈出整首歌，當時她嚇了一大跳），所以音樂蘊含的情感，對我的觸動非常直接而強烈，這一點與我平時「對情緒的低感受力」形成強烈的反差。Daphne哀怨的開玩笑說：「難不成要我用唱的你才能感受到我的情緒？但我歌聲不行啊！」

這些都是極為有趣發現。不是在給自己貼標籤，而是發現自己原來具有某些連自己都意識不到的「特殊」之處，雖然增加了彼此相處的難度，但也在愛裡，學習接納彼此的不同之處，在關係中合一。

不知道你們看完後，會不會也發現到神在你生命裡的「隱藏設計」呢？

***

Actually, this documentary prompted my entire family to re-examine ourselves and our years of living together.

In Episode 3, Henry, who has ADHD, exhibits two traits: organized chaos and forgetfulness. The former is Daphne’s trait, which I already knew when I met her, while the latter is mine. Meanwhile, I also possess the autistic trait of "seeking a sense of order" (for example, during my school years, I would arrange the books on my shelves by size), which stands in direct contrast to Daphne’s organized chaos. Daphne has a photographic memory; she can visualize a map in her mind and know exactly where everything is. If I move an object, she won't be able to find it. And I might not find it either, because I will have forgotten where I put it away.

We had to learn to adapt or compromise on this issue in our relationship; otherwise, the arguments would never end. So, I learned to tolerate Daphne’s messiness (the house got even messier after the kids were born, but I have completely surrendered to it) to avoid being blamed when things go missing. On the other hand, Daphne has given up all hope regarding my forgetfulness. She has also trained the kids to constantly remind me of things to reduce the "property damage" it causes to our daily life.

In Episode 4, Leigh, who has dyslexia, is a particularly unique case to me. He has a brilliant sense of pitch. He wanted to perform in a musical, but his dyslexia made it impossible for him to participate because he couldn't even memorize a four-line lyric. The production crew was even forced to extend the filming schedule for him and post cue words everywhere to help him out.

I don't have dyslexia, but like him, I have an innate sense of pitch. Daphne discovered this because I can play an entire song by ear based on a root note without looking at sheet music, which shocked her at the time. As a result, the emotions carried by music touch me very directly and intensely. This forms a sharp contrast to my usual "low sensitivity to emotions." Daphne jokingly complained, "Do I really have to sing for you to feel my emotions? But my singing voice is terrible!"

These were all incredibly interesting discoveries. It is not about labeling ourselves, but about realizing that we possess certain "unique" traits we weren't even aware of. While this adds to the difficulty of living together, it also allows us to learn to accept each other's differences through love and become one in our relationship.

I wonder if, after watching it, you will also discover God's "hidden design" in your own life?

靈程筆記

耶穌退到曠野，是為了與天父相處。
人獨處的時候，卻是為了釋放慾望。

台中梅雨即景

暴雨雷霆至，

濃雲吞遠山。

低昂芳草勁，

默默待天藍。

讀經筆記：出埃及記 2:23-25

 經文：出埃及記 2:23-25

23過了多年，埃及王死了。以色列人因做苦工，就歎息哀求，他們的哀聲達於神。

24神聽見他們的哀聲，就記念他與亞伯拉罕、以撒、雅各所立的約。

25神看顧以色列人，也知道他們的苦情。

***

這是「上帝視角」的記載，預告了神將要出手拯救希伯來人。

信主前，我曾被夢工廠的卡通電影「埃及王子」感動過。電影把摩西在「上帝的命令」與「法老的兄弟情（電影的故事設定，非聖經事實）」之間的掙扎拍得很深刻。幾年後，我認識一位基督徒的老師，她桌上放著一本聖經，於是我興沖沖地向她借來看「出埃及記」，結果大失所望。

因為我期待的是電影內容（人性在兩難中的掙扎與盼望）的文字重現，但聖經卻給我「一切都在上帝的計畫中」的閱讀感受，完全沒有閱讀文學作品那種對未知情節好奇的享受感。

之後，我對聖經一點興趣也沒有，直到我信主了才改變----而且是截然相反的改變。

「一切都在上帝的計畫中」正是聖經最重要的理解角度，而我當年居然看輕這一點。這個理解角度誠然會讓我疑惑:「如果一切都是上帝的計畫，那我的努力有何意義與價值？」然而這個疑惑其實是有問題的。

問題在於這個疑惑預設了「努力必有收穫」的因果律，預設了「我要/可以掌握自己命運」的認知，一旦「一切都在上帝的計畫中」，這兩個預設便通通不成立，這是對自由意志的莫大挫折，所以人們通常會反感這樣的「聖經/上帝視角」。

然而對基督徒而言，這個視角恰好是上帝透過聖經啟示祂自己，讓我們確信祂是又真又活、創始成終，是我們永恆盼望的確據所在。因為神永遠都在，也永遠眷顧著我們，所以我們可以毫不懷疑、坦然無懼的跟隨祂，因為不管我們的人生境遇是順境是逆境，神永不改變。

於是，我終於可以理解保羅這段充滿強烈情感的經文:

「既是這樣，還有甚麼說的呢？神若幫助我們，誰能敵擋我們呢？……誰能使我們與基督的愛隔絕呢？難道是患難嗎？是困苦嗎？是逼迫嗎？是飢餓嗎？是赤身露體嗎？是危險嗎？是刀劍嗎？……然而，靠着愛我們的主，在這一切的事上已經得勝有餘了。因為我深信無論是死、是生，是天使、是掌權的，是有能的，是現在的事、是將來的事，是高處的、是低處的，是別的受造之物，都不能叫我們與神的愛隔絕，這愛是在我們的主基督耶穌裏的。」（羅馬書8:31,35,37-39）

---

​Bible Study Notes: Exodus 2:23-25

​This is an account from a "God's-eye perspective," foreshadowing how God was about to step in and rescue the Hebrews.

​Before I became a believer, I was deeply moved by DreamWorks' animated film The Prince of Egypt. The movie powerfully portrayed Moses torn between "God’s command" and his "brotherly bond with Pharaoh" (which was a cinematic narrative choice, not a biblical fact). A few years later, I met a Christian teacher who had a Bible on her desk. Excitedly, I borrowed it from her to read Exodus—only to be profoundly disappointed.

​I had expected a textual reenactment of the movie, filled with human struggle, dilemmas, and hope. Instead, the Bible gave me the distinct impression that "everything is within God’s plan." It completely lacked the thrill of suspense and curiosity about the unknown that one usually enjoys when reading literature.

​After that, I lost all interest in the Bible. It wasn't until I came to faith that this changed—in fact, it turned completely around.

​"Everything is within God's plan" is precisely the most crucial perspective for understanding the Bible, yet back then, I actually looked down on it.

​Granted, this perspective can trigger a lingering doubt: "If everything is God’s plan, what is the point or value of my own efforts?" However, this doubt itself is fundamentally flawed.

​The flaw lies in its underlying assumptions. It presupposes a law of cause and effect where "effort guarantees reward," and it assumes that "I want to—and can—control my own destiny." The moment we accept that everything is in God's plan, both of these assumptions fall apart. This deals a massive blow to human free will, which is why people often react with aversion to this "biblical/divine perspective."

​For Christians, however, this very perspective is how God reveals Himself through Scripture. It gives us the absolute assurance that He is the true and living God, the Author and Finisher of our faith, and the anchor of our eternal hope. Because God is always present and always mindful of us, we can follow Him with absolute confidence and without fear. No matter whether we face smooth sailing or adversity in life, God never changes.

​Through this, I can finally understand the intense, emotion-filled words of the Apostle Paul:

​"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." — Romans 8:31, 35, 37-39 (NIV)

台中烏溪雨後

碧樹枝猶勁，
烏溪水不清。
蜿蜒流向遠，
何日入澄明？

自省文

這是我幾天前看到的一篇FB貼文（見上一篇），，裡面有很不錯的觀念，但是我很清楚，我觸及到一個邊界。那個邊界就是「對神的渴慕」。

聽起來很奇怪，對不對？我喜歡讀聖經，也樂於思考，看起來不像不渴慕神的樣子。

但信仰從來不是努力在「看起來」之上，而是「內心是否真的敞開」。

我敞開過，但關起來的次數更多----這就是我的問題。

我為何珍惜少數有過的屬靈經驗？因為那是被聖靈觸摸的生命觸動。當下的感動是真實的，但問題是，我無法延續它。

關鍵就在我還活在這個世界上----這個充滿各種誘惑的世界。

我不是想卸責（自己不努力尋求神，還去怪罪別人），而是表達我的軟弱：我對這個世界的抵抗力，真的不高。

昨天主日後的聖餐時間，我與Peter聊起基督徒面對「罪的誘惑」時的兩難：當我過著屬靈的生活，與神有親密的關係時，那感覺是享受的；但當我的罪性、生理需求與世界的罪相勾連時，我的感受也是「享受」的----唯一的差別，大概是享受犯罪快感之後，真真實實的空虛感與罪惡感，而屬靈的享受不會這樣。

回到我的問題。其實，我也常會處在這種兩難之中。我會在乎別人的眼光，知道在世界中生活的各種邊界（「不侵犯別人」的邊界），所以我守的還可以，並據此建立了較好的外在形象。然而一個人獨處的時候，沒有別人眼光的顧忌的時候，反而是我罪性最活躍的時候----我知道上帝在，知道他在看著我，但我看不見他，所以我自我欺騙的「一個人」享受犯罪。這有點像你公開認罪的狀況：我們可以選擇不犯罪，但在那個「心裡感覺安全」的獨處情境裡，我們「選擇」了得罪神。

在2013年，我寫了這首詩：<我看見撒旦在微笑>

我看見撒旦在微笑

當我在禱告中

更多的關注在自己的苦痛

我看見撒旦在微笑

當我將負擔交托給主

卻急於看見負擔的消弭

我看見撒旦在微笑

當我空出了心中的位置給主

卻常常想去檢視位置是否空著

我看見撒旦在微笑

當我求主死滅我的老我

卻仍捨不得放下自以為好的自我

我看見撒旦在微笑

當我誦唸聖經的語句

卻只聽見聲音的震動

我看見

撒旦在微笑......（完）

這是我剛信主時寫的詩。多年過去了，我依然還在努力「渴慕神」。

那篇FB文章的結論很溫暖：

「也許有些罪的背後,其實藏著一個很深的空缺。而真正能填滿人的，不是更強的意志力，而是更深地經歷上帝的愛。 ......

也許我們不只是要努力「戒掉罪」。我們更需要的，是慢慢「離開罪」。

不是因為我們很有意志力，很能忍，而是因為我們開始嚐到更美的東西。 」

就像耶利米書31:3 說的：

古時耶和華向以色列顯現，說：「我以永遠的愛愛你， 因此我以慈愛吸引你。 」

願你我都把心向神完全敞開，讓光照進我心，充滿我心，單單享受神永遠的慈愛，不眷戀世界對罪性的「呼喚」。

---

This is a Facebook post I came across a few days ago. It contains some very profound concepts, but I am well aware that I have reached a boundary. That boundary is "the longing for God."

It sounds strange, doesn't it? I love reading the Bible and I enjoy contemplating it, so I don't look like someone who doesn't long for God. However, faith is never about striving to "look the part," but rather about "whether the heart is truly open."

I have opened up before, but I have shut it down even more times—and that is my problem.

Why do I cherish the few spiritual experiences I've had? Because they were moments where my life was genuinely touched by the Holy Spirit. The moving feeling in those moments was real, but the problem is, I cannot sustain it.

The crux of the matter is that I am still living in this world—a world brimming with all kinds of temptations.

I am not trying to shirk responsibility (blaming others instead of striving to seek God myself); rather, I am expressing my weakness: my resistance to this world is honestly not very strong.

Yesterday, during fellowship after the Sunday service, Peter and I talked about the dilemma Christians face when confronting the "temptation of sin." When I live a spiritual life and share an intimate relationship with God, that feeling is enjoyable. But when my sinful nature and physical desires intertwine with the sins of the world, my experience is also one of "enjoyment." The only difference, perhaps, is the genuine sense of emptiness and guilt that follows the pleasure of sinning, whereas spiritual enjoyment never leaves such a bitter aftertaste.

Back to my own problem. In fact, I often find myself caught in this exact dilemma. I care about how others perceive me, and I know the various boundaries of living in society (the boundary of "not imposing on others"), so I manage well enough and have built a decent outward image based on that. Yet, when I am alone, free from the scrutiny of others, that is precisely when my sinful nature becomes most active. I know God is there, I know He is watching me, but because I cannot see Him, I deceive myself into thinking I am "alone" and indulge in sin. This is somewhat like the situation of public confession you mentioned: we have the choice not to sin, but in that private setting where "the heart feels safe," we "choose" to offend God.

In 2013, I wrote this poem: I See Satan Smiling

I See Satan Smiling

I see grim Satan smile with pride, 

When in my prayers I choose to hide, 

And fix my gaze upon my grief, 

Rather than seek His sweet relief.

I see grim Satan smile with pride, 

When to the Lord my cares confide, 

Yet anxiously I demand to see 

My heavy burdens lift from me.

I see grim Satan smile with pride, 

When for the Lord a place provide, 

Yet often turn my eyes to trace 

If emptiness still fills the space.

I see grim Satan smile with pride, 

When asking that the old self died, 

Yet tightly clutch and hold so dear 

The worldly righteousness I fear.

I see grim Satan smile with pride, 

When Holy Scriptures are applied, 

Yet all I hear from words profound 

Is but the trembling of the sound.

I see him watch, 

And smile with pride... (The End)

This is a poem I wrote when I was a new believer. Many years have passed since then, and I am still striving to "long for God."

The conclusion of that Facebook post was very warm:

"Perhaps behind some sins, there lies a deeply hidden void. And what truly fills a person is not a stronger willpower, but a deeper experience of God’s love. ... Perhaps our goal shouldn't just be striving to 'quit sin.' What we need more is to slowly 'depart from sin.' 

Not because we possess great willpower or endurance, but because we have begun to taste something far more beautiful."

Just as Jeremiah 31:3 says: 

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”

May both you and I open our hearts completely to God. Let His light shine into our hearts and fill them entirely, so that we may solely enjoy His everlasting lovingkindness, and no longer yearn for the world's "calling" to our sinful nature.

轉貼：一篇FB與基督信仰有關的文章

今天讀到一位諮商心理師提到一個很有意思的概念。他說，面對上癮，很多時候不要只是「戒癮」，而是要學習「離癮」。

所謂戒癮，很像是硬撐。

戒酒、戒菸、戒手遊、戒短影音……

我們很努力地壓抑自己、命令自己「不要再碰」。

但很多時候，心裡其實還是很想要。

於是人就會陷入一種循環：

拼命忍耐 → 意志力耗盡 → 再次沉迷 → 內疚羞愧 → 更討厭自己 → 又再次沉迷。

問題是，很多癮頭的背後，本來就不只是「喜歡那個東西」而已。

有人一直滑手機，其實是害怕孤單。

有人沉迷遊戲，是因為現實太挫敗。

有人酗酒，是想暫時忘記衝突與壓力。

有人無法停止工作，是因為只有成就感才能讓他覺得自己有價值。

所以「離癮」的概念，不只是反抗那個行為，

而是去理解：我真正缺少的到底是什麼？

或許是安全感。

或許是陪伴。

或許是被肯定。

或許只是內心太空了。

我們需要找到上癮背後的真正原因，

才能解決內心根本的議題。

後來我就在想，基督徒面對罪，會不會也是這樣的概念？

很多時候，我們努力「戒罪」。

不要貪財、不要色情、不要嫉妒、不要說謊。但內心深處，其實還是很渴望那些東西能帶來的快感與好處。

於是我們就活在另一種循環裡：

努力克制 → 失敗跌倒 → 自責羞愧 → 再次立志 → 又再次失敗。

可是福音好像不只是叫我們更用力地壓抑自己。而是邀請我們去發現：為什麼我這麼需要這些東西？

也許有些罪的背後，

其實藏著一個很深的空缺。

而真正能填滿人的，

不是更強的意志力，

而是更深地經歷上帝的愛。

當人真的在信仰裡得到安全感，

在教會找到相愛的群體，

在服事裡找到價值，

在福音裡體會到恩典與盼望，

就能慢慢鬆手放開曾經依賴的某些事物。

也許我們不只是要努力「戒掉罪」。

我們更需要的，是慢慢「離開罪」。

不是因為我們很有意志力，很能忍，

而是因為我們開始嚐到更美的東西。

---

Today, I read something really interesting by a counseling psychologist. He said that when we’re dealing with addiction, a lot of times we shouldn't just try to "abstain from addiction," but instead learn to "leave addiction."

Abstaining from an addiction feels like you’re just forcing yourself to white-knuckle it.

Abstaining from drinking, smoking, mobile games, or short-form videos...

We try so hard to suppress our urges, telling ourselves, "Don’t you dare touch that again."

But honestly, most of the time, we still really want it deep down.

So we get trapped in this endless loop:

Trying so hard to hold back → Running completely out of willpower → Falling right back into it → Feeling super guilty and ashamed → Hating ourselves even more → And then falling back into it all over again.

The thing is, what’s driving the addiction usually isn't just that we "like that thing."

Someone who can’t stop scrolling through their phone might actually just be terrified of being lonely.

Someone hooked on gaming might just find reality way too frustrating.

Someone drinking heavily might just want to temporarily escape from conflict and stress.

Someone who’s a total workaholic might feel like they only matter when they achieve something.

That’s why the idea of "leaving addiction" isn't just about fighting the behavior.

It’s about figuring out: what is it that I’m actually missing?

Maybe it’s a sense of security.

Maybe it’s companionship.

Maybe it’s validation.

或 Maybe the inside of us is just totally empty.

We have to find the real root cause behind the addiction to actually fix what's going on inside our hearts.

Later, it got me thinking—is it the exact same way for Christians dealing with sin?

A lot of times, we try so hard to "abstain from sin."

Don't love money, don't watch porn, don't be jealous, don't lie. But deep down, we still secretly crave the pleasure and perks those things give us.

So we end up living in a whole different loop:

Trying our best to control ourselves → Messing up and falling down → Blaming ourselves and feeling ashamed → Making a fresh resolution → And then messing up all over again.

But the Gospel doesn't seem to just tell us to suppress ourselves even harder. Instead, it invites us to ask: why do I feel like I need these things so badly?

Maybe behind some of our sins, there's actually a really deep void.

And the thing that can truly fill a person isn't stronger willpower—it's experiencing God's love on a much deeper level.

When someone truly finds security in their faith, finds a community that loves them in the church, finds their value in serving, and really feels the grace and hope in the Gospel, they can slowly start to let go of the things they used to lean on.

Maybe we don't just need to work hard to "abstain from sin."

What we really need is to slowly "leave sin."

Not because we have amazing willpower or can endure a ton of pain, but because we've started to taste something so much better.