獨立蒼茫: 自省文

這是我幾天前看到的一篇FB貼文（見上一篇），，裡面有很不錯的觀念，但是我很清楚，我觸及到一個邊界。那個邊界就是「對神的渴慕」。

聽起來很奇怪，對不對？我喜歡讀聖經，也樂於思考，看起來不像不渴慕神的樣子。

但信仰從來不是努力在「看起來」之上，而是「內心是否真的敞開」。

我敞開過，但關起來的次數更多----這就是我的問題。

我為何珍惜少數有過的屬靈經驗？因為那是被聖靈觸摸的生命觸動。當下的感動是真實的，但問題是，我無法延續它。

關鍵就在我還活在這個世界上----這個充滿各種誘惑的世界。

我不是想卸責（自己不努力尋求神，還去怪罪別人），而是表達我的軟弱：我對這個世界的抵抗力，真的不高。

昨天主日後的聖餐時間，我與Peter聊起基督徒面對「罪的誘惑」時的兩難：當我過著屬靈的生活，與神有親密的關係時，那感覺是享受的；但當我的罪性、生理需求與世界的罪相勾連時，我的感受也是「享受」的----唯一的差別，大概是享受犯罪快感之後，真真實實的空虛感與罪惡感，而屬靈的享受不會這樣。

回到我的問題。其實，我也常會處在這種兩難之中。我會在乎別人的眼光，知道在世界中生活的各種邊界（「不侵犯別人」的邊界），所以我守的還可以，並據此建立了較好的外在形象。然而一個人獨處的時候，沒有別人眼光的顧忌的時候，反而是我罪性最活躍的時候----我知道上帝在，知道他在看著我，但我看不見他，所以我自我欺騙的「一個人」享受犯罪。這有點像你公開認罪的狀況：我們可以選擇不犯罪，但在那個「心裡感覺安全」的獨處情境裡，我們「選擇」了得罪神。

在2013年，我寫了這首詩：<我看見撒旦在微笑>

我看見撒旦在微笑

當我在禱告中

更多的關注在自己的苦痛

我看見撒旦在微笑

當我將負擔交托給主

卻急於看見負擔的消弭

我看見撒旦在微笑

當我空出了心中的位置給主

卻常常想去檢視位置是否空著

我看見撒旦在微笑

當我求主死滅我的老我

卻仍捨不得放下自以為好的自我

我看見撒旦在微笑

當我誦唸聖經的語句

卻只聽見聲音的震動

我看見

撒旦在微笑......（完）

這是我剛信主時寫的詩。多年過去了，我依然還在努力「渴慕神」。

那篇FB文章的結論很溫暖：

「也許有些罪的背後,其實藏著一個很深的空缺。而真正能填滿人的，不是更強的意志力，而是更深地經歷上帝的愛。 ......

也許我們不只是要努力「戒掉罪」。我們更需要的，是慢慢「離開罪」。

不是因為我們很有意志力，很能忍，而是因為我們開始嚐到更美的東西。」

就像耶利米書31:3 說的：

古時耶和華向以色列顯現，說：「我以永遠的愛愛你，因此我以慈愛吸引你。」

願你我都把心向神完全敞開，讓光照進我心，充滿我心，單單享受神永遠的慈愛，不眷戀世界對罪性的「呼喚」。

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This is a Facebook post I came across a few days ago. It contains some very profound concepts, but I am well aware that I have reached a boundary. That boundary is "the longing for God."

It sounds strange, doesn't it? I love reading the Bible and I enjoy contemplating it, so I don't look like someone who doesn't long for God. However, faith is never about striving to "look the part," but rather about "whether the heart is truly open."

I have opened up before, but I have shut it down even more times—and that is my problem.

Why do I cherish the few spiritual experiences I've had? Because they were moments where my life was genuinely touched by the Holy Spirit. The moving feeling in those moments was real, but the problem is, I cannot sustain it.

The crux of the matter is that I am still living in this world—a world brimming with all kinds of temptations.

I am not trying to shirk responsibility (blaming others instead of striving to seek God myself); rather, I am expressing my weakness: my resistance to this world is honestly not very strong.

Yesterday, during fellowship after the Sunday service, Peter and I talked about the dilemma Christians face when confronting the "temptation of sin." When I live a spiritual life and share an intimate relationship with God, that feeling is enjoyable. But when my sinful nature and physical desires intertwine with the sins of the world, my experience is also one of "enjoyment." The only difference, perhaps, is the genuine sense of emptiness and guilt that follows the pleasure of sinning, whereas spiritual enjoyment never leaves such a bitter aftertaste.

Back to my own problem. In fact, I often find myself caught in this exact dilemma. I care about how others perceive me, and I know the various boundaries of living in society (the boundary of "not imposing on others"), so I manage well enough and have built a decent outward image based on that. Yet, when I am alone, free from the scrutiny of others, that is precisely when my sinful nature becomes most active. I know God is there, I know He is watching me, but because I cannot see Him, I deceive myself into thinking I am "alone" and indulge in sin. This is somewhat like the situation of public confession you mentioned: we have the choice not to sin, but in that private setting where "the heart feels safe," we "choose" to offend God.

In 2013, I wrote this poem: I See Satan Smiling

I See Satan Smiling