淅瀝嘩啦

按：仿學生作品，非原創

我來找你
臉上停不下來的淅瀝嘩啦
那個夜晚
天上也停不下來淅瀝嘩啦

你眼中的我
臉上滿是淅瀝嘩啦
我眼前的你
只想拭去我的淅瀝嘩啦

「你沒看見
這整夜的淅瀝嘩啦？」

時間是你手中
逐漸消瘦的衛生紙
你的世界是寂靜
而我的世界震耳欲聾
淅瀝嘩啦

惡夢

 2026/07/01晚上，我做了一個惡夢。

我夢見我與家人去參加一個活動，需要搭公車到活動地點。我開車送他們到上車地點，讓他們先上車，然後去找停車位。我找的有點久，當徒步回到上車地點時，公車已經出發了。

還好，公車還看得見，而且此時是上坡。我自料應該還趕得上，於是開始拼命地跑。也許是上坡對我的負擔也很大，我拼盡全力，卻仍只能眼睜睜看著公車漸行漸遠。

我又累又急，不知該怎麼辦。正心慌時，太太居然搭了一台車回頭找我。她告訴我公車暫停在前方不遠處，我們馬上過去，應該趕得上。於是我們拔腿起跑，想要追上公車。（印象中我在太太身上拿到一張寫著3個地名的紙條，應該是她一路經過的地點。不過這個細節不太重要）

我雖然累，但太太帶來的消息讓我振奮，所以跑得起勁，但此時太太身穿連身禮服，跑步不方便，嚴重拖慢了速度。我一時心急，深怕趕不上公車的悲劇再來一次，於是拋下太太，一個人拔腿狂奔。我心想：「太太你等我，等我攔住公車，我會請司機停下來等你的。」

事與願違，我還是沒趕上公車，這次連公車的背影都沒瞧見。我極度疲累，對沒有攔到公車感到沮喪。我想回頭去找太太，卻發現自己顧著追公車，已經迷路了！

這下子我心更慌了！焦慮到不行。我到路邊的風景區探問、尋找，還是不見太太的蹤跡。天色漸暗，我喪氣地離開風景區，卻發現所有的門全都關上了！

怎麼辦？沒找到太太，我自己還被困在風景區！我整個人崩潰大哭，這時候，所有的門忽然都開了！

瞬間出現的希望怎能輕易放過？我立刻衝出風景區，繼續尋找太太。但希望之後是無盡的絕望：此刻我人在陌生的城鎮（夢中的地名是苗栗----又一個不重要的細節），身邊都是彎曲的小路，每每抱著希望可以通往大路（因為才會有公車），卻常常走到死巷被迫折返。幾度往復尋路未果後，我疲累不堪、心急如焚，不知道太太現在怎麼樣了？沮喪、絕望、擔憂......所有的負面情緒擰成一股越收越緊的焦慮，讓我在陌生的街頭獨自慌亂無依。

這時候，救星出現了。一個當地人告訴我，他家有家用電話可以讓我聯絡太太。我連聲道謝，但對方拿出來的，卻是一具故障的電話機，上面的數字鍵位置錯亂，有的還脫落。我一再按錯號碼，聯絡不上太太，心中的焦慮感又上升了一層。最後不知道是誰提供了一具正常的電話機，我才首度接通、聯絡上太太。當我聽到話筒裡傳來熟悉的聲音時，我的情緒瞬間大崩潰，痛哭到不行。

夢境在這裡結束。我躺在床上，思索著夢境的意義：

1.失去太太的焦慮感貫穿整個夢境，這反映了太太在我生命中的重要性，我不能沒有她。

2.夢境裡，我迷路在風景區、陌生城鎮裡，快要抓狂的焦慮與慌亂，是我強烈的內在風暴。但這個風暴關鎖在我的心裡，我太太並不知道我是如此的在乎她。

夢醒後，我把這的夢告訴太太。她一下子就看出一個我沒意識到、卻極為重要的對比：我沒跟上公車，她會折回來找我；可是當我們一起追公車時，我卻拋下了她。她總結說：「這就是我們兩人個性的差異，也是我們的關係一再反覆的原因。」

我恍然大悟，也意識到夢境裡的一個小細節：太太回頭找我時，那是一個「特寫畫面」，太太是畫面中唯一的主角；相反的，我和太太一起追公車那一幕卻是個「遠鏡頭畫面」，太太在畫面裡一直是小小的，然後漸漸的默默的，被我拋在鏡頭之外。

這個畫面對比，呈現了太太在我心中兩種截然相反的地位：

1.當我需要她時，她絕對是我心中的第一與唯一

2.當我專注在眼前的任務（追公車）時，我會為了達成任務而輕易拋下她。可是我會告訴自己：我是為了她，才會不得已拋下她

太太不只一次告訴過我：「人比事情重要」。我以為我理解這句話，因為我在做事時都會告訴自己：我是為了她；但我真的不理解這句話，因為每次我完成任務時，她有時會不滿意，就繼續找下一件事情給我做……

我終於知道，當我只確認自己的心意，卻沒有真正在意對方的想法與需要時，我滿腔的愛與在乎，只侷限在自己的內心裡，對方完全感受不到。因為我的行為（拋下她）比起我的言詞（嘴上說在乎），更能「證明」我對她的愛。

想到這裡，多年來太太在每次爭吵後累積的委屈，我終於同感了。那些陳年舊帳，對我而言只是已經翻篇的「往事」，但對太太而言，卻是「舊創未癒，又添上新的」一道道傷痕。那些痛，只是她為了愛、為了關係而選擇放下，但是並未遺忘。

後記（7/18）

我很少做夢，會被我刻意記下來的夢，通常都有意義。

就像我在週三小組時說的，我沒有先知的恩賜，所以我不認為這是神感動的夢，勉強可以說是神透過這個夢在對我說話。對我而言，找到「對準神」的角度去解讀這個夢，應該是比較重要的。

這個夢在哪裡對準神呢？我認為是在夫妻關係這個層面上。從屬人的角度，我覺得我是一個愛太太、愛家庭的人，太太交代的事我都有做，對孩子應盡的責任我也努力做到，但我看不見自己「忽視家人」的部分，這部分隱藏在我的心態與行為模式裡。

這個夢把我「主觀上在乎家人，客觀上卻忽視家人」的問題呈現出來，而且充滿強烈的情緒感受，以至於Daphne 點出的一個重點細節，我可以馬上在夢境裡捕捉到符合細節的畫面。

所以，我為這個影響夫妻關係的「問題」認罪，求神帶領我勝過這個罪，讓我把心裡對妻子的在乎，能夠透過「行為」以及「願意改變的心意」讓妻子能看見、感受到，不讓這個問題繼續成為夫妻感情的破口。

***

The Nightmare

On The night of July 1,2026, I had a nightmare.

I dreamed that my family and I were going to an event, and we needed to take a bus to the venue. I drove them to the boarding spot, let them get on first, and then went to look for a parking space. It took me quite a while to find one, and by the time I walked back to the boarding spot, the bus had already left.

Fortunately, the bus was still in sight, and it was going uphill. Thinking I could still catch up, I started running as fast as I could. Perhaps the uphill climb was too taxing; despite giving it my absolute all, I could only watch helplessly as the bus drifted further and further away.

Exhausted and panicked, I didn’t know what to do. Just as anxiety was taking over, my wife unexpectedly rode a vehicle back to find me. She told me the bus had temporarily stopped not too far ahead, and if we hurried, we could still make it. So, we both took off running, trying to catch up with the bus. (I vaguely recall getting a slip of paper from her with three place names written on it, likely locations she had passed along the way. But this detail isn't very important.)

Although I was tired, the news she brought energized me, and I ran with renewed vigor. However, she was wearing a full-length gown, which made running difficult and slowed her down significantly. In a fit of urgency, terrified of repeating the tragedy of missing the bus, I abandoned my wife and sprinted ahead alone. I thought to myself, "Wait for me, honey. Once I stop the bus, I'll ask the driver to wait for you."

Things didn't go as planned. I still missed the bus, and this time, I couldn't even see its tail lights. Utterly exhausted, I felt a deep sense of defeat for failing to stop it. I wanted to turn back and find my wife, only to realize that in my frantic chase, I had completely lost my way!

Now, panic truly set in! My anxiety skyrocketed. I went into a roadside scenic area to ask around and look for her, but there was still no sign of my wife. As darkness began to fall, I despondently prepared to leave the scenic area, only to find that all the gates were locked!

What was I supposed to do? I hadn't found my wife, and now I was trapped in the scenic area myself! I completely broke down and wept. Right at that moment, all the gates suddenly swung open!

How could I let a sudden glimmer of hope slip away? I immediately rushed out of the scenic area to continue searching for my wife. But hope was quickly followed by endless despair: I now found myself in an unfamiliar town (the name in my dream was Miaoli—another unimportant detail), surrounded by winding alleys. Time and again, I hoped these paths would lead to a main road (where the buses would be), only to hit dead ends and be forced to turn back. After repeatedly searching for a way out to no avail, I was exhausted and frantic, worrying about how my wife was doing. Frustration, despair, worry... all these negative emotions twisted into a tight, suffocating knot of anxiety, leaving me panicked and helpless on the unfamiliar streets.

Just then, a savior appeared. A local told me I could use his home phone to contact my wife. I thanked him profusely, but what he handed me was a broken telephone. The number keys were scrambled, and some had even fallen off. I kept dialing the wrong numbers, unable to reach her, and my anxiety spiked to another level. Finally, someone—I don’t know who—provided a functioning phone, and I was finally able to connect with my wife for the first time. The moment I heard her familiar voice on the other end, I completely broke down, crying uncontrollably.

Reflections in the Waking World

The dream ended there. Lying in bed, I pondered its meaning:

1.The anxiety of losing my wife ran through the entire dream, reflecting how crucial she is in my life—I simply cannot live without her.

2.The overwhelming anxiety and panic of getting lost in the scenic area and the unfamiliar town represented a powerful internal storm. Yet, this storm was locked away inside my own heart; my wife had no idea just how deeply I cared for her.

After waking up, I shared this dream with my wife. She instantly pointed out a stark, crucial contrast that I had completely missed: when I failed to catch the bus, she turned back to find me; yet, when we were running after the bus together, I abandoned her.

She summarized, "This is the difference in our personalities, and it's the reason why our relationship keeps falling into the same patterns."

A wave of realization hit me, and I recalled a subtle detail from the dream: when my wife came back to look for me, it was a "close-up shot," with her as the sole focus of the frame. In contrast, the scene of us chasing the bus together was a "long shot"—she remained tiny in the frame, gradually and silently left behind, fading out of the picture.

This visual contrast captured two completely contradictory places my wife holds in my heart:

1.When I need her, she is absolutely my top and only priority.

2.When I am focused on the task at hand (chasing the bus), I will easily abandon her to achieve my goal. Yet, I justify it to myself: I only left her behind because I had no choice, and I did it for her sake.

My wife has told me more than once, "People are more important than tasks." I thought I understood this because whenever I was busy doing things, I would tell myself I was doing them for her. But in reality, I didn't truly grasp it. Because every time I finished a task, she would sometimes remain unsatisfied and simply find the next chore for me to do...

I finally understand: when I only validate my own intentions without genuinely caring about the other person's thoughts and needs, my heart full of love and care remains locked inside me. She cannot feel it at all. Ultimately, my actions (abandoning her) "prove" my love far more loudly than my words (saying I care) ever could.

Realizing this, I finally empathized with the years of accumulated hurt and resentment my wife has carried after every single argument. To me, those past grievances were just "history" that had been put to rest. But to my wife, they were wounds upon wounds—old scars that had never healed, topped with fresh new cuts. She only chose to set that pain aside for the sake of love and our relationship, but she never forgot them.

ps：

​I rarely dream, so the dreams I deliberately choose to remember usually have meaning.

​As I mentioned during our Wednesday small group, I don’t have the gift of prophecy. Therefore, I don’t view this as a divinely inspired dream; at most, it could be said that God is speaking to me through it. For me, the more important thing should be finding the right perspective to interpret this dream by "aligning with God."

​Where does this dream align with God? I believe it is at the level of the marital relationship. From a human perspective, I feel that I am someone who loves my wife and my family. I do what my wife asks of me, and I strive to fulfill my responsibilities to my children. However, I fail to see the ways in which I "neglect my family"—a part of me that is hidden within my mindset and behavioral patterns.

​This dream brought to light my issue of "caring about my family subjectively, yet neglecting them objectively." It was so filled with intense emotions that when Daphne pointed out a key detail, I was immediately able to capture a visual in the dream that matched that detail.

​Therefore, I confess this "issue" that impacts our marital relationship as a sin, and I ask God to lead me to overcome it. I pray that the care I hold for my wife in my heart can be seen and felt by her through my "actions" and a "willingness to change," so that this issue will no longer serve as a breach in our marriage.

強力推薦：「腦海裡的世界」 記錄片（英國BBC製作）

https://b23.tv/NVUvzjf

第1-2集：自閉症（共4個個案）

第3集：過過動症（2個個案）

第4集：讀寫障礙（2個個案）

因為Jabez的緣故，我們接觸、進入了特兒的世界----不只是Jabez的個人世界，也包括各式各樣、不同障別的特兒圈子。感謝主，讓我們在信主後才生下Jabez，這幫助了我們很早就對準神，以尋求神「偽裝的祝福」的角度去陪伴、照顧這個孩子，並讓我們看見，神透過這個孩子給我們家一路以來的啟示是什麼。

在上帝眼裡、在家人眼中，Jabez是多麼可愛、甚至是完美的小孩！但我們眼中的「可愛」，可能與一般人的認知不太一樣，因為一般人沒有近距離理解特兒的機會。

甚至很多的特兒家長，也不瞭解自己所生下的特兒。所以特兒究竟花了多大的努力讓自己融入這個世界（從家庭到社會），我們永遠不會知道。

直到有人願意幫助他們把自己「腦海裡的世界」表達出來。

影片裡，個案幾乎都提到他們兩方面的困境：融入世界的困難，以及融入世界（甚至僅是簡單的「被理解」）的渴望。對於他們，「被接納」遠比「變正常」更為重要，因為意識到自己的「特殊」，已經是他們永遠放不下、需要一輩子奮戰的十字架了。

這兩天，我們全家一起看完「腦海裡的世界」，邊收看邊討論。我們不只是談論Jabez，更多的時候，我們透過影片提到的「癥狀」去檢視自己，是否有這些特殊的「內在生命因子」。在討論中，家人彼此坦白自己的軟弱，而這樣的坦白，帶來同理與接住，家人的關係更加緊密了。

分享這個記錄片，是希望特兒們可以在大家的「理解」中，也能漸漸地被大家同理與接納住。我想，這是會讓上帝發出微笑的美好事情 。 

***

Highly Recommended: "Inside Our Autistic（ADHD/Dyslexic） Minds" Documentary (Produced by the BBC)

Episodes 1–2: Autism (4 case studies) 

Episode 3: ADHD (2 case studies) 

Episode 4: Dyslexia (2 case studies)

Because of Jabez, we encountered and entered the world of special needs children—not just Jabez’s personal world, but also the wider community of children with various types of disabilities. Thank God that we came to know the Lord before Jabez was born. This helped us align our focus with God early on, allowing us to accompany and care for this child by seeking God’s "blessings in disguise." It also showed us the revelations God has brought to our family through him along the way.

In the eyes of God and his family, Jabez is such a lovely, even perfect child! However, our definition of "lovely" might differ from the mainstream perspective, as most people rarely get the chance to understand special needs children up close.

In fact, many parents themselves do not truly understand the special needs children they gave birth to. We will never truly know how much effort these children put into fitting into this world, from their families to society.

That is, until someone is willing to help them express "the world in their minds."

In the documentary, almost all the individuals mentioned a two-fold struggle: the difficulty of fitting into the world, and their deep longing to fit in (or even to simply be understood). For them, "being accepted" is far more important than "becoming normal." Recognizing their own "uniqueness" is already a lifelong cross they can never put down.

Over the past two days, our whole family watched "Inside Our Autistic（ADHD/Dyslexic） Minds " together, discussing it as we watched. We didn't just talk about Jabez; more often, we examined ourselves through the "symptoms" mentioned in the video to see if we also carried these unique "inner life factors." During our discussion, family members openly shared their own weaknesses. This honesty brought empathy and support, drawing our family even closer together.

I am sharing this documentary in the hope that through everyone's "understanding," special needs children can gradually be empathized with and accepted. I believe this is a beautiful thing that will bring a smile to God's face.

------------------------------------------------------

其實，這個記錄片讓我的家人都重新檢視了自己，以及彼此長年來的共處經驗。

第3集，ADHD的亨利具有兩種特質：亂中有序與健忘。前者是Daphne 的特質，我認識她時就已經知道，後者則是我的特質。而我兼具自閉症「追求秩序感」的特質（ex：我求學時，書架上的書會按照書本大小排列），與Daphne亂中有序恰好對立。Daphne具有圖像記憶的能力，她可以根據腦海裡的視覺地圖，清楚知道什麼東西放在哪裡，我一旦將物品動了位置，她會找不到東西。而我也可能會找不到，因為我忘記收去哪裡了。

這個問題，在我們相處的過程中必須學會適應對方或妥協，不然永遠吵不完。所以我學會包容Daphne的亂（孩子出生後家裡更亂，但我已經完全妥協了），以免東西找不到怪罪我。而Daphne也對我的健忘徹底死了心，也訓練孩子一起對我「耳提面命」，降低健忘對生活造成的「災損」。

第4集， 讀寫障礙的李對我而言是個特別的個案，他的音感超好。他想演音樂劇，但讀寫障礙讓他根本無法參與演出，因為他連四句長度的歌詞都背不下來，拍攝團隊甚至被迫為了他延長影片拍攝時間，且到處貼提示詞幫助他。

我沒有讀寫障礙，但我跟他一樣具有先天音感（這是Daphne發現的，因為我不用看譜就可以根據抓到的基準音彈出整首歌，當時她嚇了一大跳），所以音樂蘊含的情感，對我的觸動非常直接而強烈，這一點與我平時「對情緒的低感受力」形成強烈的反差。Daphne哀怨的開玩笑說：「難不成要我用唱的你才能感受到我的情緒？但我歌聲不行啊！」

這些都是極為有趣發現。不是在給自己貼標籤，而是發現自己原來具有某些連自己都意識不到的「特殊」之處，雖然增加了彼此相處的難度，但也在愛裡，學習接納彼此的不同之處，在關係中合一。

不知道你們看完後，會不會也發現到神在你生命裡的「隱藏設計」呢？

***

Actually, this documentary prompted my entire family to re-examine ourselves and our years of living together.

In Episode 3, Henry, who has ADHD, exhibits two traits: organized chaos and forgetfulness. The former is Daphne’s trait, which I already knew when I met her, while the latter is mine. Meanwhile, I also possess the autistic trait of "seeking a sense of order" (for example, during my school years, I would arrange the books on my shelves by size), which stands in direct contrast to Daphne’s organized chaos. Daphne has a photographic memory; she can visualize a map in her mind and know exactly where everything is. If I move an object, she won't be able to find it. And I might not find it either, because I will have forgotten where I put it away.

We had to learn to adapt or compromise on this issue in our relationship; otherwise, the arguments would never end. So, I learned to tolerate Daphne’s messiness (the house got even messier after the kids were born, but I have completely surrendered to it) to avoid being blamed when things go missing. On the other hand, Daphne has given up all hope regarding my forgetfulness. She has also trained the kids to constantly remind me of things to reduce the "property damage" it causes to our daily life.

In Episode 4, Leigh, who has dyslexia, is a particularly unique case to me. He has a brilliant sense of pitch. He wanted to perform in a musical, but his dyslexia made it impossible for him to participate because he couldn't even memorize a four-line lyric. The production crew was even forced to extend the filming schedule for him and post cue words everywhere to help him out.

I don't have dyslexia, but like him, I have an innate sense of pitch. Daphne discovered this because I can play an entire song by ear based on a root note without looking at sheet music, which shocked her at the time. As a result, the emotions carried by music touch me very directly and intensely. This forms a sharp contrast to my usual "low sensitivity to emotions." Daphne jokingly complained, "Do I really have to sing for you to feel my emotions? But my singing voice is terrible!"

These were all incredibly interesting discoveries. It is not about labeling ourselves, but about realizing that we possess certain "unique" traits we weren't even aware of. While this adds to the difficulty of living together, it also allows us to learn to accept each other's differences through love and become one in our relationship.

I wonder if, after watching it, you will also discover God's "hidden design" in your own life?